(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)L Suresh corrects the perceptions of those who believe that the best party lines begin with 1-600…
It’s sad to see how many partygoers end up stone sober after a New Year party. Blame it on the ‘foot in mouth’ syndrome - most spend all evening removing one foot from the mouth to make place for the other. With this amount of sole searching, it’s not surprising that the most voracious party animal ends up feeling like a heel.
Keeping in with the spirit of deep introspection that happens before a new year hits us, let’s face the truth - it doesn’t take a hidden camera and a voyeuristic team of journalists to perform a sting operation and expose our ignorance. We just have to open our mouth – and it’s bliss.
So why make a fool of ourselves in front of all and sundry, when we can do it in the confines of our homes, making New Year resolutions? Here are a few tips on the art of conversation at a New Year bash.
Problem: You can’t make out the difference between white bread and brown bread (especially if they’re both toasted black). And you think the Gaza strip is an exotic belly dance act performed to Arabian music. But there’s this woman who’s holding court on Palestinian cuisine, with her Hummus bi Tahini and Baba Ghanoush.
Solution: Proclaim loudly how organic food is ‘in’ and with all these stupid wars, you can imagine Palestinian food to be full of chemicals. And if she innocently mentions Harakat al-Muqawamah al-Islamiyyah, you’ll do well to realize that she isn’t talking about another appetizer, but is referring to the terrorist outfit Hamas – the guys who’re likely to have you for dessert.
Problem: F1. You don’t know a thing about the Grand Prix and you think everything about it, from the Indian way of pronouncing it to terminology like pole position, is laden with sexual innuendos. The person next to you begins a conversation to no one in particular, “Hey, did you check out the race yesterday?”
Solution: Switch the conversation to a different channel – like Animal Planet and talk non-stop about the most awesome gecko racing you’ve ever seen. That should drive him up the wall – with no gecko pads.
Problem: Technology. You haven’t progressed beyond chatting and sending mail. And here’s this techie who’s expounding on EBGA Model APM/CBAM Setup in thermal analysis using a constrained object browser.
Solution: Complain to him that your computer works like an air conditioner – it stops working every time you open Windows – and ask him if his thermal analysis can locate the thermostat problem. Now excuse yourself quickly – he’ll be itching to do the Control-Alt-Del on you.
Problem: King Kong and the Goblet of Fire is as far as you’ve got on the movie scene. And there’s this guy trying to impress everyone with his take on Polish movies.
Solution: Stare at him until he stops mid-sentence and ask him how he pronounces Wladyslaw Pasikowski, Krzysztof Kieslowski and Andrzej Kondratiuk. Better still, laugh loudly and say how he just reminded you of a Polish joke about this guy who tried to count till 11 and was arrested for indecent exposure. You can bet your last Polish zloty that it will be the last you’ll hear of parallel cinema – for 2005.
Just remember, the harder you try to conceal the sources of all your one-liners, the more original you’ll sound. Just go for it – and have a blast.
It’s sad to see how many partygoers end up stone sober after a New Year party. Blame it on the ‘foot in mouth’ syndrome - most spend all evening removing one foot from the mouth to make place for the other. With this amount of sole searching, it’s not surprising that the most voracious party animal ends up feeling like a heel.
Keeping in with the spirit of deep introspection that happens before a new year hits us, let’s face the truth - it doesn’t take a hidden camera and a voyeuristic team of journalists to perform a sting operation and expose our ignorance. We just have to open our mouth – and it’s bliss.
So why make a fool of ourselves in front of all and sundry, when we can do it in the confines of our homes, making New Year resolutions? Here are a few tips on the art of conversation at a New Year bash.
Problem: You can’t make out the difference between white bread and brown bread (especially if they’re both toasted black). And you think the Gaza strip is an exotic belly dance act performed to Arabian music. But there’s this woman who’s holding court on Palestinian cuisine, with her Hummus bi Tahini and Baba Ghanoush.
Solution: Proclaim loudly how organic food is ‘in’ and with all these stupid wars, you can imagine Palestinian food to be full of chemicals. And if she innocently mentions Harakat al-Muqawamah al-Islamiyyah, you’ll do well to realize that she isn’t talking about another appetizer, but is referring to the terrorist outfit Hamas – the guys who’re likely to have you for dessert.
Problem: F1. You don’t know a thing about the Grand Prix and you think everything about it, from the Indian way of pronouncing it to terminology like pole position, is laden with sexual innuendos. The person next to you begins a conversation to no one in particular, “Hey, did you check out the race yesterday?”
Solution: Switch the conversation to a different channel – like Animal Planet and talk non-stop about the most awesome gecko racing you’ve ever seen. That should drive him up the wall – with no gecko pads.
Problem: Technology. You haven’t progressed beyond chatting and sending mail. And here’s this techie who’s expounding on EBGA Model APM/CBAM Setup in thermal analysis using a constrained object browser.
Solution: Complain to him that your computer works like an air conditioner – it stops working every time you open Windows – and ask him if his thermal analysis can locate the thermostat problem. Now excuse yourself quickly – he’ll be itching to do the Control-Alt-Del on you.
Problem: King Kong and the Goblet of Fire is as far as you’ve got on the movie scene. And there’s this guy trying to impress everyone with his take on Polish movies.
Solution: Stare at him until he stops mid-sentence and ask him how he pronounces Wladyslaw Pasikowski, Krzysztof Kieslowski and Andrzej Kondratiuk. Better still, laugh loudly and say how he just reminded you of a Polish joke about this guy who tried to count till 11 and was arrested for indecent exposure. You can bet your last Polish zloty that it will be the last you’ll hear of parallel cinema – for 2005.
Just remember, the harder you try to conceal the sources of all your one-liners, the more original you’ll sound. Just go for it – and have a blast.
(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 25 December, 2005)
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