(Image courtesy: Corbis)Five things you will need in 2010
1. A personal Call Center – to handle banks calling to find out if you want a credit card or a loan
2. A loan – if you have foolishly taken one of those calls and bought a Credit Card
3. An iron curtain for your computer – two different spywares will be running a spy vs spy war on your motherboard
4. Virtual marriage halls – so that you can get married from your office cubicle or workstation
5. A Diploma in Accent Management (DAM) – you never know if you’re going to become a VJ or a call center employee
Five things you won’t need in 2010
1. A day off to watch cricket – you can’t bear to see what’s happening
2. Coffee breaks – every company will give its employees a coffee strip to chew all day, thus increasing productivity
3. Savings Accounts – because interest on your money will hit zero and then, you will be paying banks to keep your money
4. Road roko agitations – the roads will be so bad that the traffic will come to a halt by itself
5. Movies – because mega serials will be such a hit that they’ll be playing in theatres
Five people you might not see in 2010
1. The Indian cricket fan – he’ll be an extinct species
2. The doormat housewife – after years of watching soaps, she’ll be scheming and screaming
3. The auto driver – his antics on the road will see him renamed as autopilot
4. The biscuit bandit – trains will be so crowded that he won’t remember who ate the biscuits
5. The porter – families will travel with so much luggage that they will be using packers and movers even for weekend getaways
Five headlines of 2010
1. Mumbai bans SMS between couples on Valentine’s Day
2. Petrol bunks tie up with pawn brokers to help vehicle owners who can’t afford fuel
3. “I can make movies on a shoestring budget of 100 crores” – Sanjay Leela Bhansali
4. Coach sacks captain, selectors sack coach after India lose cricket series to Argentina
5. Temple built for Indian Express writer for making true predictions about 2010 in 2005
Five top films of 2010
1. James the Fifth - The fifth remake of James by RGV after the first four flopped
2. Kabhi Kindergarden, Kabhi Cop – Karan Johar’s remake of Kindergarden Cop featuring Shah Rukh in a ‘back to school’ role
3. Abhi To Main Jawaan Hoon – featuring Dev Anand and Sneha Ullas
4. Haryana Hurricane – featuring Mallika Sherawat, Jet Li and Kapil Paaji in a guest role
5. Garam Hawaa – the traumatic story of four nubile women whose clothes get blown away in a cyclone
Five ways to spot a South Indian
1. He’s got a ‘Texas State University’ sticker on his windshield to tell the world that his kid is in the US
2. He wears a t-shirt with formal trousers or a formal shirt with jeans – his idea of casual wear
3. He writes letters to the Newspaper Editor, typically beginning with ‘Apropos your article in the…’
4. He carries a yellow cloth bag that says ‘Shri Venkateswara Ponni Rice’ wherever he goes
5. He has a ‘brother’s niece in Infosys’, a ‘neighbour in TCS’ and a ‘co-brother’s daughter in Wipro’
Five ways to spot a Malayali (as different from the South Indian)
1. To spot one Malayali, look for a tea shop
2. To spot two, look for a Malayali Association
3. To spot three, look for a Union
4. To spot four, look for a Political Party
5. To spot five, look for a theatre screening an Adoor Gopalakrishnan movie
Five top cricket commentators in 2010
1. Sourav Ganguly (when Dalmiya chooses the commentary team)
2. Rahul Dravid (when Sourav’s out with a tennis elbow)
3. Parthiv Patel (when Sourav’s doing the commentary)
4. Anil Kumble (when Sourav’s out with what-ever)
5. VVS Laxman (only for Tests)
Five ways to save a marriage in 2010
1. Log on to www.savemymarriage.com and ask for ‘save my marriage’ funding
2. Read Arindam Choudhary’s ‘Count your wives before they scratch’
3. Promise her a divorce after Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi gets over – your marriage will last forever
4. Send her a (spam) e-invite addressed to ‘Mr. And Mistress Kashyap” – she’ll stick to you like superglue
5. Tell her that India has also begun naming tsunami waves after women – she’ll give you less trouble
Five ways to woo a woman in 2010
1. If you have 100 bucks – buy her a cell phone with an ‘I love you’ ring tone
2. If you have 1000 bucks – take her to a multiplex movie
3. If you have 10000 bucks – take her to a candle-light dinner
4. If you have a lakh – take her shopping
5. If you have a million – tell her this is her last chance, there are others waiting
(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement as snippets on 30 Oct, 2005)
1. A personal Call Center – to handle banks calling to find out if you want a credit card or a loan
2. A loan – if you have foolishly taken one of those calls and bought a Credit Card
3. An iron curtain for your computer – two different spywares will be running a spy vs spy war on your motherboard
4. Virtual marriage halls – so that you can get married from your office cubicle or workstation
5. A Diploma in Accent Management (DAM) – you never know if you’re going to become a VJ or a call center employee
Five things you won’t need in 2010
1. A day off to watch cricket – you can’t bear to see what’s happening
2. Coffee breaks – every company will give its employees a coffee strip to chew all day, thus increasing productivity
3. Savings Accounts – because interest on your money will hit zero and then, you will be paying banks to keep your money
4. Road roko agitations – the roads will be so bad that the traffic will come to a halt by itself
5. Movies – because mega serials will be such a hit that they’ll be playing in theatres
Five people you might not see in 2010
1. The Indian cricket fan – he’ll be an extinct species
2. The doormat housewife – after years of watching soaps, she’ll be scheming and screaming
3. The auto driver – his antics on the road will see him renamed as autopilot
4. The biscuit bandit – trains will be so crowded that he won’t remember who ate the biscuits
5. The porter – families will travel with so much luggage that they will be using packers and movers even for weekend getaways
Five headlines of 2010
1. Mumbai bans SMS between couples on Valentine’s Day
2. Petrol bunks tie up with pawn brokers to help vehicle owners who can’t afford fuel
3. “I can make movies on a shoestring budget of 100 crores” – Sanjay Leela Bhansali
4. Coach sacks captain, selectors sack coach after India lose cricket series to Argentina
5. Temple built for Indian Express writer for making true predictions about 2010 in 2005
Five top films of 2010
1. James the Fifth - The fifth remake of James by RGV after the first four flopped
2. Kabhi Kindergarden, Kabhi Cop – Karan Johar’s remake of Kindergarden Cop featuring Shah Rukh in a ‘back to school’ role
3. Abhi To Main Jawaan Hoon – featuring Dev Anand and Sneha Ullas
4. Haryana Hurricane – featuring Mallika Sherawat, Jet Li and Kapil Paaji in a guest role
5. Garam Hawaa – the traumatic story of four nubile women whose clothes get blown away in a cyclone
Five ways to spot a South Indian
1. He’s got a ‘Texas State University’ sticker on his windshield to tell the world that his kid is in the US
2. He wears a t-shirt with formal trousers or a formal shirt with jeans – his idea of casual wear
3. He writes letters to the Newspaper Editor, typically beginning with ‘Apropos your article in the…’
4. He carries a yellow cloth bag that says ‘Shri Venkateswara Ponni Rice’ wherever he goes
5. He has a ‘brother’s niece in Infosys’, a ‘neighbour in TCS’ and a ‘co-brother’s daughter in Wipro’
Five ways to spot a Malayali (as different from the South Indian)
1. To spot one Malayali, look for a tea shop
2. To spot two, look for a Malayali Association
3. To spot three, look for a Union
4. To spot four, look for a Political Party
5. To spot five, look for a theatre screening an Adoor Gopalakrishnan movie
Five top cricket commentators in 2010
1. Sourav Ganguly (when Dalmiya chooses the commentary team)
2. Rahul Dravid (when Sourav’s out with a tennis elbow)
3. Parthiv Patel (when Sourav’s doing the commentary)
4. Anil Kumble (when Sourav’s out with what-ever)
5. VVS Laxman (only for Tests)
Five ways to save a marriage in 2010
1. Log on to www.savemymarriage.com and ask for ‘save my marriage’ funding
2. Read Arindam Choudhary’s ‘Count your wives before they scratch’
3. Promise her a divorce after Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi gets over – your marriage will last forever
4. Send her a (spam) e-invite addressed to ‘Mr. And Mistress Kashyap” – she’ll stick to you like superglue
5. Tell her that India has also begun naming tsunami waves after women – she’ll give you less trouble
Five ways to woo a woman in 2010
1. If you have 100 bucks – buy her a cell phone with an ‘I love you’ ring tone
2. If you have 1000 bucks – take her to a multiplex movie
3. If you have 10000 bucks – take her to a candle-light dinner
4. If you have a lakh – take her shopping
5. If you have a million – tell her this is her last chance, there are others waiting
(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement as snippets on 30 Oct, 2005)
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