(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)Why look for a broker when real estate classifieds are enough to mess your life up? L Suresh elaborates…
New to Chennai? Looking for a house? Here’s a crash course on what the classifieds generally say, but what they actually mean…
Copious water available 24 hours
Note: The word ‘copious’ is used only in two contexts in Chennai. One – to express emotion, such as, “He shed copious tears.” And two, to conceal deceit, such as, “Copious water available 24 hours”. Invariably, both mean the same. Which is, first you get ripped off and then you cry - copiously. Another point that becomes clear is that the flat is located near the sea, because the beach is the only place in Chennai with ‘copious water supply’. So don’t fall for this trick, for if you do, there’ll be enough salt in your water tank to rub into your wounds.
Park area with plenty of greenery
There are only three parks in Chennai that are popular – Nageswara Rao Park, Panagal Park and Linkin Park. While Linkin Park went eco-friendly when they sang, “I have a dream of a scene between the GREEN hills”, the other two seem to have hit a plateau in their journey towards going green.
Ample parking space
It means that there are several by-lanes around your place where you can park - without paying for it. And one fine day, when you find your bike under a car, you realize that you have neighbours who quite haven't understood the concept of double parking.
Centrally located
Even if there is not a drop of water in the house, you are within reach for a water tanker to come home and fill your tank with coloured water of dubious origin. Even if there are colonies of mosquitoes around, you are saved because there’s a hospital nearby. In other words, you are centrally located.
Brahmins only
This polls second in the list of the most-found phrases in the classifieds in Chennai. (The first of course, is ‘copious water’.) This means no non-veg, no smoking, no drinking, no bringing friends home, no late night binges or weekend parties. In other words, you are in queue for sainthood, salvation or a flat – whichever comes first.
Rs. 12,000 negotiable
Warning - most owners will drive a hard bargain. So do all you can to avoid a negotiation. There are two simple ways of doing it. One, tell the owner how Ganguly should be chucked out and Dravid made captain so that more ‘South Indians’ will get into the team. (He’ll probably cut a zero out of the rent.) Better still, tell him how well Chandramukhi is doing in a theatre in faraway Siberia. You’ll get the flat for free.
Vaasthu constructed
Okay, this one is fairly straight. Literally so, because all the doors face east, all the windows face south, your bedroom faces the loo and your living room faces the neighbours – so you face dire consequences should you play North by Northwest on your DVD. Not only will it upset the vaasthu orientation of the house, but will also make your neighbours dial M for murder.
Fully furnished apartment
Get wise. Now, who would want to leave behind all their furniture in an apartment – unless it’s bulky as hell, ugly as sin and would cost more to lug along than to leave behind? So you are not only stranded with a house full of furniture that you don’t particularly care for, you also end each day on the same bed on which the owner must have tossed and turned, night after night, plotting how he would get a sucker to pay for his mistakes.
Happy house hunting.
New to Chennai? Looking for a house? Here’s a crash course on what the classifieds generally say, but what they actually mean…
Copious water available 24 hours
Note: The word ‘copious’ is used only in two contexts in Chennai. One – to express emotion, such as, “He shed copious tears.” And two, to conceal deceit, such as, “Copious water available 24 hours”. Invariably, both mean the same. Which is, first you get ripped off and then you cry - copiously. Another point that becomes clear is that the flat is located near the sea, because the beach is the only place in Chennai with ‘copious water supply’. So don’t fall for this trick, for if you do, there’ll be enough salt in your water tank to rub into your wounds.
Park area with plenty of greenery
There are only three parks in Chennai that are popular – Nageswara Rao Park, Panagal Park and Linkin Park. While Linkin Park went eco-friendly when they sang, “I have a dream of a scene between the GREEN hills”, the other two seem to have hit a plateau in their journey towards going green.
Ample parking space
It means that there are several by-lanes around your place where you can park - without paying for it. And one fine day, when you find your bike under a car, you realize that you have neighbours who quite haven't understood the concept of double parking.
Centrally located
Even if there is not a drop of water in the house, you are within reach for a water tanker to come home and fill your tank with coloured water of dubious origin. Even if there are colonies of mosquitoes around, you are saved because there’s a hospital nearby. In other words, you are centrally located.
Brahmins only
This polls second in the list of the most-found phrases in the classifieds in Chennai. (The first of course, is ‘copious water’.) This means no non-veg, no smoking, no drinking, no bringing friends home, no late night binges or weekend parties. In other words, you are in queue for sainthood, salvation or a flat – whichever comes first.
Rs. 12,000 negotiable
Warning - most owners will drive a hard bargain. So do all you can to avoid a negotiation. There are two simple ways of doing it. One, tell the owner how Ganguly should be chucked out and Dravid made captain so that more ‘South Indians’ will get into the team. (He’ll probably cut a zero out of the rent.) Better still, tell him how well Chandramukhi is doing in a theatre in faraway Siberia. You’ll get the flat for free.
Vaasthu constructed
Okay, this one is fairly straight. Literally so, because all the doors face east, all the windows face south, your bedroom faces the loo and your living room faces the neighbours – so you face dire consequences should you play North by Northwest on your DVD. Not only will it upset the vaasthu orientation of the house, but will also make your neighbours dial M for murder.
Fully furnished apartment
Get wise. Now, who would want to leave behind all their furniture in an apartment – unless it’s bulky as hell, ugly as sin and would cost more to lug along than to leave behind? So you are not only stranded with a house full of furniture that you don’t particularly care for, you also end each day on the same bed on which the owner must have tossed and turned, night after night, plotting how he would get a sucker to pay for his mistakes.
Happy house hunting.
(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 16 October, 2005)
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