Sunday, December 10, 2006

The Blame Game

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

L Suresh writes to the Indian Coach telling him exactly why he has missed the bus.

Dear Mr. Chappell,

It is obvious that the South Africans haven’t read the rules of an African Safari well – though it clearly says that hunting is not allowed, the Indian tigers are ruthlessly being slaughtered match after match. Even as they are looking for a good hiding place, the Proteas seem to think that any place is good enough to give them a solid hiding. The morale in the team is so low that when the players check into the fifth floor of their hotel, their confidence hovers around the basement car park. And while the youngsters are looking up to the seniors for inspiration, the seniors are looking for light at the end of the tunnel, with every rising delivery making the sun set faster on them.

After years of whacking knee-high deliveries that don’t swing, seam, dart or cut, the batsmen are suddenly finding themselves stranded on the 401 (one wishes that was a cricket score, but unfortunately we are talking about the world’s busiest highway) with traffic zipping all around them. We could go on in this vein, but the point is that there are more important things we need to discuss. That’s because the unmentionable has hit the ceiling. And it's time we take stock of all that's happening.

Mr. Chappell, the basic problem is that you haven't understood us one bit. Instead of placing a finger on the pulse of the nation or pointing a finger at the mistakes made by the players, you chose to give the finger to a bunch of cricket fans. We have already been tormented by Bucknor’s ‘slow death’ finger, Bowden’s crooked finger and Hair’s ‘accusing finger’, so we just have no choice but to give yours the thumbs down.

There are a few things that you are yet to learn about us. As a cricket-fanatic nation, we rate accountability very high – we always hold others accountable for everything that happens or doesn't. Since our young cricketers are already reeling under the huge responsibility placed on their young shoulders - they have to sell bikes, endorse televisions, advertise for apparel and launch new products – they can’t be blamed for this debacle. Give them a break – when they have sales pitches on their mind, how can you expect them to tackle bouncy pitches as well? So by a process of elimination, we have only you to hold responsible for the team’s terrible performance.

In the past, you have tried, albeit successfully, to get Sourav out of the team. We would like to inform you that while we may play cricket badly, we play the blame game pretty well. When India did badly for a whole season last year, we blamed it all on Sourav Ganguly. We burnt effigies, opened hate clubs, launched anti-Ganguly websites, booed him every time he walked back to the pavilion and in short, did everything to make his life miserable. But Mr. Chappell, please understand that we don't encourage outsiders to take part in this. It is entirely our prerogative to ask for Dada to be dropped, blacken the walls of Kaif's house, break the glass panes of Yuvraj's car and hold morchas outside Sehwag's house. But we don't wish to share our little joys with outsiders.

You might try to apply lofty Australian standards and use Ricky Ponting’s performance as a benchmark to determine form, but to us, a score of 40 and three wickets are enough. Never mind if Dada has been severely criticized for his shortcomings against the short-pitched delivery that have often resulted in short stints at the crease - we are very flexible when it comes to assessing him. He can be in as a bowler instead of Zaheer Khan, he can be in as an allrounder instead of Irfan Pathan and when we choose to, he can be in Kolkata when the rest of the team tours.

Let me now list out a few other issues that we have with you. Just because our batsmen collapse like a deck of cards, you didn’t have to shuffle them. So what if Mike Hussey opens in first-class matches, comes at no. 5 in Tests and at no. 7 in one-dayers? So what if a middle-order batsman like Shane Watson is successfully tried out as an opener? In India, we have regular batting slots for all our batsmen and they are entitled to it until retirement or injury, whichever comes first.

The second issue is that you have plotted the ouster of senior players and have tried to bring in youth. Look at your country’s team - more than half of them are almost 35. Okay, the difference is that they still perform, but have a heart, Mr. Chappell. If you throw middle-aged players out, they will lose their place in the team and consequently all their endorsements. If that happens, how will they survive? Unemployment is a huge problem in our country, unlike in yours and we don't want an outsider like you to add to it.

One of the key charges that have been leveled against you is that you have been instrumental in ruining a few careers. Irfan Pathan was a world-class bowler, but by showing him that he was capable of batting and by sending him up the order, you have confused him so much that he aims for the boundary when he bowls and plays stump to stump when he bats. Just because batsmen like Chris Gayle bowl and bowlers like Daniel Vettori bat, you can't expect Irfan to do the same. Besides, if Irfan bats, bowls and fields, what will the rest do?

There's another reason why we don't want you, Mr. Chappell. Please understand that it's nothing personal - it's just that we don't want a foreigner as a coach. For years, we have lost to Pakistan in Sharjah, have been tormented by the Lankans in their backyards, have been dominated by the West Indies in the one-dayers and have been battered by Australia everywhere - and we didn't need a foreign coach for that. You see, it's a drain on our foreign exchange and we'd rather an Indian coach was at the helm - at least the money stays within.

There’s also a charge that you have your own favourites like Raina and Sehwag who have been played repeatedly despite so many failures. We find this terribly frustrating - only when you drop them can we go on the rampage and raise a public outcry. But if you shoehorn them into the team match after match, we can never take to our feet and protest that our star players have been unfairly booted out.

On the flip side, key players like Irfan Pathan and Kaif are constantly being dropped because they are not in form. Unlike other countries, Mr. Chappell, our international stars don't go back to domestic cricket when they lose form. They continue playing at the highest level - however long it takes - until they regain form. If you keep dropping them, how will they gain form? And if they don't get back to form, how will we win? So it's entirely your fault that we are losing matches.

The current situation might present you with a sense of déjà vu – we are finally back to where it all started, to the time when we stopped being a winning team and became a loss-making unit. Was that in Sri Lanka? Or Zimbabwe? It doesn’t matter because we don't like to dwell on the past. Only our players are allowed to do so, especially when they remind the public, media and selectors of their past records. So Mr. Chappell, despite your best efforts, we have brought back Ganguly, Laxman, Kumble and Zaheer Khan. And if we feel we need more experience, we will not hesitate to bring in Sunil Gavaskar, Ravi Shastri, Arun Lal and Maninder Singh as well - even they have tremendous past records to speak of. (Besides, they are already in South Africa and the BCCI doesn’t have to spend more money than it already has on airfare.)

Please remember that Indian cricket is a place where the big guns will always be firmly entrenched, where being out of form will not matter much because our coaching manual begins with the immortal lines that saves every cricketer’s backside when he doesn’t contribute - form is temporary, class is permanent. So 10,000 runs, 35 hundreds and centuries against Namibia and Kenya in the 2003 World Cup are dearer to us than a few series losses. We hate to see our stars fade, Mr. Chappell. When our ageing movie stars don a wig, wear paunch-concealing jackets and beat up 20 henchmen twice their size, why can’t our star cricketers do the same?

For these above reasons, we feel that it is best that you go back to your land down under and focus on the Australian team. We are happy the way we are. In India, we have an old proverb which says that everything in life is a cycle - at the end of the day, you get on one and ride into the sunset.

With best wishes

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 10 December, 2006)