(Image courtesy: Corbis)Ever since that fateful morning when Britney woke up with a terrible hangover and a terrified husband, it dawned on her that she had been blessed with an extraordinary power – of starting an agony aunt column for the broken hearted. L Suresh ghostwrites…
Hi Britney, sometime back, this girl at college asked me if I’d be her Valentine. But she didn’t even bother to wait for my answer. By the time I got back to her, she had gotten married to her hairdresser and had two daughters. In fact, her first daughter is already married and has a kid. I am truly disturbed - women are so shallow and they don't believe in waiting for a man to make his mind up. My question is this - should I let my opinion of women come in the way of asking her second daughter out for Valentine’s Day this year?
Hi Britney, sometime back, this girl at college asked me if I’d be her Valentine. But she didn’t even bother to wait for my answer. By the time I got back to her, she had gotten married to her hairdresser and had two daughters. In fact, her first daughter is already married and has a kid. I am truly disturbed - women are so shallow and they don't believe in waiting for a man to make his mind up. My question is this - should I let my opinion of women come in the way of asking her second daughter out for Valentine’s Day this year?
- Lee Shur
Britney says:
Dear Lee, remember, the only thing in the world that women can’t seem to afford is patience. Besides, most women think that a good man is hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible - so don’t blame her. But isn’t 20 years a bit too long for you to hold on to one single thought? (Gee, I couldn’t hold on to a marriage for 55 hours!) Anyways, don’t waste any more time. Speak to her pronto - or you’ll be singing one of my favourites, “Oops! I did it again”.
Dear Britney, after nursing a secret crush on my neighbour for over three years, I finally decided to ask her out for Valentine’s Day. But being an extremely shy guy, I have always avoided meeting her or speaking to her. But this morning I realized that I have a huge problem - my neighbour happens to be a guy and not a girl! So what do I do this Valentine’s Day?
Britney says:
Dear Lee, remember, the only thing in the world that women can’t seem to afford is patience. Besides, most women think that a good man is hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible - so don’t blame her. But isn’t 20 years a bit too long for you to hold on to one single thought? (Gee, I couldn’t hold on to a marriage for 55 hours!) Anyways, don’t waste any more time. Speak to her pronto - or you’ll be singing one of my favourites, “Oops! I did it again”.
Dear Britney, after nursing a secret crush on my neighbour for over three years, I finally decided to ask her out for Valentine’s Day. But being an extremely shy guy, I have always avoided meeting her or speaking to her. But this morning I realized that I have a huge problem - my neighbour happens to be a guy and not a girl! So what do I do this Valentine’s Day?
- Gay Mad Don Ritchie
Britney says:
Hi Gay, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Take my advice – if this guy turns out to be like Justin Timberlake, you can hang out with him for four years. If he’s more like Jason Alexander and reminds you of a childhood friend, get in and out of a marriage in 55 hours. If he’s like Kevin Federline, he’s for keeps. But if you still insist on making a mountain of this issue, make sure it’s Brokeback Mountain – get a couple of tickets and take him out this V Day!
Dear Britney, I’m dating a woman who is older than I am. But I have a problem - every time she finishes dinner, she insists on removing her dentures and dropping them into a glass of water. I feel terribly embarrassed to take her out for Valentine’s Day. What do I do?
Britney says:
Hi Gay, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Take my advice – if this guy turns out to be like Justin Timberlake, you can hang out with him for four years. If he’s more like Jason Alexander and reminds you of a childhood friend, get in and out of a marriage in 55 hours. If he’s like Kevin Federline, he’s for keeps. But if you still insist on making a mountain of this issue, make sure it’s Brokeback Mountain – get a couple of tickets and take him out this V Day!
Dear Britney, I’m dating a woman who is older than I am. But I have a problem - every time she finishes dinner, she insists on removing her dentures and dropping them into a glass of water. I feel terribly embarrassed to take her out for Valentine’s Day. What do I do?
- Man D Bill
Britney says:
If she happens to be a Karan Johar fan, go down on your knees, take her dentures in your hands, look into her eyes and tell her that though you love her toothless smile, you only want to see her khushi, but not her gums. That should do the trick. But if she doesn’t get the hint, stand up and announce to the world that there’s a new striptease routine in town where the teeth come off first. She might bare her fangs at you, but at least it will take care of all your teething troubles. Chew over it for a day and you’ll get the drift.
Dear Britney, I had this god-awful nightmare about DD beginning Valentine’s Day celebrations on the lines of New Year’s Eve special programmes – with old reruns of Usha Uthup’s ‘Pop Time’, a countdown to midnight and red heart-shaped balloons being released skywards, with the whole world screaming ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ to one another. My boyfriend seems to be having the same nightmare too. What do we do?
Britney says:
If she happens to be a Karan Johar fan, go down on your knees, take her dentures in your hands, look into her eyes and tell her that though you love her toothless smile, you only want to see her khushi, but not her gums. That should do the trick. But if she doesn’t get the hint, stand up and announce to the world that there’s a new striptease routine in town where the teeth come off first. She might bare her fangs at you, but at least it will take care of all your teething troubles. Chew over it for a day and you’ll get the drift.
Dear Britney, I had this god-awful nightmare about DD beginning Valentine’s Day celebrations on the lines of New Year’s Eve special programmes – with old reruns of Usha Uthup’s ‘Pop Time’, a countdown to midnight and red heart-shaped balloons being released skywards, with the whole world screaming ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ to one another. My boyfriend seems to be having the same nightmare too. What do we do?
- Lu Rid Teevee
Britney says:
Dear Lu, it’s human to have nightmares. I have nightmares too – of Christina Aguilera winning a Grammy, of J Lo winning an Oscar and of Paris Hilton winning the style icon of the year. The idea is to bash on regardless. Remember, one girl’s dream is another’s nightmare, so don’t worry about it. The best way to get rid of a nightmare is to imagine a happier ending – like the power going off, your TV blowing up, a short-circuit in your building or the TV channel being taken over by ex-college students. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Britney says:
Dear Lu, it’s human to have nightmares. I have nightmares too – of Christina Aguilera winning a Grammy, of J Lo winning an Oscar and of Paris Hilton winning the style icon of the year. The idea is to bash on regardless. Remember, one girl’s dream is another’s nightmare, so don’t worry about it. The best way to get rid of a nightmare is to imagine a happier ending – like the power going off, your TV blowing up, a short-circuit in your building or the TV channel being taken over by ex-college students. Happy Valentine’s Day!
(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement as 'Ask Britney' on 12 February, 2006)
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