Six sinking hats

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

It’s another high profile e-mail leak, as L Suresh catches wind of a highly confidential note sent by Greg Chappell to the team’s tailor.

Dear Iqbal Tailor,

I distinctly remember you asking me why I wanted you to stitch six thinking hats for each player. You also wondered what the batsmen would wear, if all the hats were bowler hats.
All these questions bear no relevance as we return, heads hung so low in shame that you would have to attach elastic bands to keep the hats in place the next time.

It is frustrating to note that not a single member in the team has understood the significance of the six thinking hats. Instead all they did right through the tour was make horrible ‘hat’ puns on the concept. Every time I talked about six thinking hats, someone would loudly say, “Coach, but that’s old hat!” And whenever I referred to an individual’s contribution to the team, there would be this voice that would pipe up and say, “Guys, just pass the hat around and remember to be generous.”

The last straw came when I tried asking the team why they were so slack on the field. And this bright guy tells me, “Slack? Sir-ji, I thought you asked us to change hats!” Sigh, I tried to get them to wear thinking hats and ended up with the clown’s cap instead.

I tried to change their routine of throwing in the towel to throwing their hat into the ring. How was I to know that they would mistake it for the 30-yard circle? So, instead of grabbing those catches, they were busy just chucking their hat into the wind and running after it. Now you know why so many chances went a-begging in the series. And since no one’s going to listen to me, I thought I’d take you into confidence and tell you how these hats could have been used effectively during the tournament.

White Hat thinking
If only Kumble had waved the white hat to Jayasuriya as a token of surrender in the finals, he wouldn’t have shown him why he is called the Matara Mauler.

Red Hat thinking
The boys should have worn their red hat and the Sri Lankan batsmen would have confused us for West Indians – that could have given us slightly better chances of winning.

Black Hat thinking
The team should have held a press meet accusing the Sri Lankan Board of ignoring their safety by sending them black hats when they had asked for black cats. This would have been a good reason to stop the finals and share the Cup.

Yellow Hat thinking
The team should have lodged a complaint that they find it impossible to field, what with the birds doing their carpet bombing act from the skies. Proof? Their yellow hats, of course.

Green Hat thinking
The team could have started a ‘Be green, don’t be mean’ movement and collectively worn their green hats as a mark of protest against Jayasuriya’s sixers, claiming that they are making holes in the ozone layer, thereby causing the greenhouse effect.

Blue Hat thinking
The boys should have done the Mexican wave with their blue hats. That should have been enough to sound another tsunami warning and send the opposition packing. The Cup would have truly been ours.

But I’m not done yet. Now that enough thinking has been done about hats, I’m introducing the next concept – one that will hopefully get them on their feet and not take to their heels. It’s called Six Action Shoes.

Ciao
Greg

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 21 August, 2005)