Achtung, Activist!

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

Why ponder about being the bird or the statue when you can be an activist who can get rid of both, asks L Suresh.

The first thing you ask yourself before you gear up to become an activist is whether you want to be an activist at all, considering the fact that there are so many around you. But as a great man once said, “God loves activists. That’s why he made so many of them.” So have no second thoughts - blaze your own trail.

But being an activist is not an easy job. The path that you have chosen will be strewn with thorns. This typically happens because you have trampled over some celebrity’s rose beds over and over, until only the thorns remain. Don’t bother. Life can’t always be a bed of roses for them. Remember, those who take the path of least resistance become celebrities. And those who resist all along the path become activists.

Much research has been done to figure out the origin of activists. Legend has it that a rather funny guy was doing one of his shows when he suddenly asked if there was a Doctor in the house. A young man raised his hand, upon which the performer retorted, “What are you doing here next to that blonde when you should be attending to your patients?" This voice of protest in favour of the general good health of humanity is the first recorded act of ‘activism’. An unreliable source identifies this humourist as Groucho Marx. If that were to be true, it would make Groucho the world's first activist.

To being a successful activist – so you need to raise key questions before you raise your voice.

Where does one start?
Normally, the beginning is considered a good place to start. In our case, we shall restrict ourselves to the Letters to the Editor column. Start with writing letters to newspapers with infuriating regularity. Call for a ban on the lefthanders convention in Greece. Raise your voice against India playing cricket with other countries because domestic cricket gives a chance to more Indian players.

What’s your excuse?
How gauche! Activists don’t need excuses, do they? But you need a reason. Think of one that will keep you in the news for decades – like the plight of women in soaps. If that’s already taken, made a noise about the plight of women watching soaps. The important thing is to zig when others zag. So when other activists are on a cleanliness drive, you take the side of rag pickers and tell the world how millions will have little else to pick besides their noses if the city is clean. And beware - he who solves a problem has to look for another. So never get straight to the point – you won’t have much to do for the rest of the day.

Who’s the bakra?
Remember always to pick people who can’t hit back at you. Celebrities – actors and cricketers who have an image to worry about in public – are prime beef. But for starters, hapless neighbours – the kind with a yelping dog, a bawling baby or a half-dead tree leaning halfway across your street – make perfect practice targets. Fire away on all cylinders and you can be sure you’ll never draw a blank.

Why should you stop with being an activist?
You don’t have to. You can create your own sub-genres. Be an anti-activist - oppose everything that activists campaign against. Better still, raise a voice against anti-activists - that would make you a hyperactivist.

Happy revolting!

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 04 September, 2005)