The vanishing breed

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

L Suresh visits the ICC (Injured and Convalescing Council) where the world’s fast bowlers are licking their wounds.

Not very long ago, cricket was all about fast bowlers terrorizing hapless batsmen who came out to bat with thick towels wrapped around their midriff. Test matches were a test of surviving pace as Holding, Roberts, Garner and Marshall assessed the batsmen’s reflexes with every ball. Lightning quick bowling was about Lillee and Thomson leaving behind a trail of cracked helmets, bloodied noses, scarred cheeks and broken spirits. Seam and swing was all about Kapil, Botham, Imran and Hadlee vying with one another, making up for lack of pace with genius. And without any warning, the radar screen went blank.

Overnight, years of experience have given way to a wet-behind-the-ears breed that is desperately trying to make its presence felt – when it is not out with injury. Selectors no longer have to bear the tag of being usherers at the revolving doors of team selection. Damaged tendons and torn ligaments are ensuring that the new entrants drop out as fast as they burst into the international scene. The other key issue has been the rapid rise and fall of fast bowlers which leads to fresh faces putting their hands up for selection at the beginning of each new series.

Take the recently concluded India vs West Indies series. Before the series began, none of the fast bowlers from either side had played 30 tests or taken 100 wickets. India’s pace attack, comprising Munaf Patel and Sreesanth, had a total of four tests and 19 wickets between them. With Pathan out of form, Zaheer Khan out of favour, Balaji and Aashish Nehra still convalescing from their injuries, Team India called upon youngsters like RP Singh and VRV Singh to stage the thunder and lightning show, until Kumble and Harbhajan brought the twister on.

The West Indies were only slightly better, with Ian Bradshaw and Jerome Taylor having played 7 tests and having taken 11 wickets between them before their series against India. It is truly an irony that in the land of the quicks, it was the slower one that decided the fate of the one day series as Dwayne Bravo castled Yuvraj in the dying minutes of the second one-dayer. Fidel Edwards, Jermaine Lawson, Pedro Collins, Corey Collymore, Bradshaw, Taylor and Bravo found themselves repeatedly running into the wall – an accident that resulted in Dravid scoring 496 runs in four tests. And of course, Ambrose, Walsh and Bishop’s looming presence in various grounds did nothing to help the pitches become a fast bowler’s delight - in the end, it was spin that decided the fate of the test series.

But if there’s a team that must be spending sleepless nights thinking about facing Muralitharan in his backyard and their own lack of quality fast bowlers, it’s South Africa. With Pollock breaking down after all these years, Nel systematically producing every injury displayed in an orthopedist’s chart and Ntini and Kallis availing of their sick leave, the Proteas opened the floodgates for fast bowlers. In a matter of months, Dale Steyn, Johan van der Wath, Charl Langeveldt, Monde Zondeki and Garnett Kruger played round robin amongst themselves as they found poor performances and injuries forcing them to make way for the next in line.

Meanwhile England are taking on Pakistan, with their eyes nervously hovering around the bottom of the calendar when they will be taking a flight to the land of socceroos, kangaroos and Ashes blues. Ashes 2005 today seems like a fantasy tale from the distant past. The world’s most powerful pace battery of Simon Jones, Harmison, Hoggard and Flintoff today resembles a spent button cell with the likes Liam Plunkett, Kabir Ali, Bresnan and Sajid Mehmood being rushed to have their heads examined for a quick fitting of ECB caps. Glen Chapple must have the shortest international record for an English player – an abdominal muscle strain put him out of the squad after just one one-dayer

In another continent, Australia are keenly watching the English sick bay, cheering every wheel chair and ambulance lustily. While the baggy green is still going strong, the world champions aren’t without their set of problems. With McGrath tending to his personal setbacks, and with Gillespie and Kasprowicz still trying to cement their places in the side, a long line of fast bowlers came out in a rush, hoping to fit into some really large-sized shoes - Stuart Clark, Mitchell Johnson, Nathan Bracken, James Hopes, Brett Dorey and of course, Mick Lewis, who entered the record books in only his 7th one day international, giving away 113 runs in 10 overs, even as Herschelle Gibbs made a mockery of a total of 434 set by the Aussies in 50 overs. Of the lot, only Stuart Clark did not give the selectors any reason to draw the curtains and hide under the bed, as he drew first blood by winning the first test against South Africa.

Though recent results show that Sri Lanka have no cause for concern, their fast bowlers are becoming a fast-changing breed. The need for speed does not appear in the list of priorities on Tom Moody’s list, but the likes of Ruchira Perera, Lasith Malinga, Farveez Maharoof and Nuwan Kulasekara have been drafted in to partner Vaas while old-timers like Dilhara Fernando and Zoysa are battling serious accusations against them, ranging from problems with no-balls to issues of low commitment.

And of course, while it’s an irony that a nation that was accused of using bottle caps to tamper with the ball is today having problems finding good openers, the real problem is that the fast bowlers aren’t just there. Four seasons ago, Pakistan was spearheaded by two quicks – Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis - who, between them, had 191 tests, 618 one-dayers and 1705 wickets. Compare this with the current opening pair operating in England – Mohammad Sami and Umar Gul - 32 tests, 95 one dayers and 223 wickets.

Shoaib Akthar competes with Brett Lee for speed, with McGrath in issuing statements before a match and with Shane Bond in running up hospital bills. Just for the records, his current problem relates to a stress fracture of the ankle. Rana Naved-ul-Hasan has recently suffered a groin injury while Mohammad Asif, a good find for Pakistan, has acquired the famed tennis elbow. Shabbir Ahmed's off serving a one year ban for a suspect bowling action, while Rao Iftikhar Anjum’s short career has basically been a wait and watch game – years of waiting in the sidelines, watching other quicks getting to play a game. So that has brought back Umar Gul and Mohammad Sami, the former back after a back injury and the latter, whose most prominent entry in the record books is a 17-ball over with seven wides and four no-balls, simply an afterthought.

But if there’s a team to whom the term ‘men in white coats’ has come to represent doctors more than umpires, it has to be New Zealand. Despite playing fewer matches than most other countries, New Zealand races ahead when it comes to taking a head count of injuries. And one fast bowler in particular shares more than just a surname with his fictitious counterpart, James Bond. It took 40 years for 007 to make 20 appearances - which makes it an outing every two years. And Shane is just a tad better, with 14 test appearances in five years - compare that with a relative newcomer like Irfan Pathan who has played 25 tests in three years and would have played more, but for injury and a recent lack of form. Every bone, every joint and every sinew has taken turns in ensuring that this Kiwi never took flight. One can picture Shane Bond charging out of a hospital and terrorising a team into submission, only to be led back in a wheel chair after the match.

His less illustrious mates have not lagged behind when it came to checking into hospital beds instead of hotel rooms whenever a series began. Jacob Oram has been being sidelined for 18 months with a back injury, Kyle Mills is undergoing corrective surgery for an ankle injury and Andre Adams was recently spotted nursing a broken bone in his right hand. And while Ian Butler has been out of sight and out of mind since 2004, Daryl Tuffey has been out of action since June 2005, ever since he injured his shoulder. Chris Martin has been in and out of the team so often that he could name his autobiography ‘Cold Play’, based on the group his namesake sings for. James Franklin and Michael Mason seem to be following the same path and in New Zealand, it has been established beyond doubts that all roads lead to a neighbourhood hospital.

It is sad that in the current scenario, any reference to infusion of fresh blood in cricket alludes more to a medical situation than to youngsters arriving at the scene. Hopefully things will change come November when two of the world’s best bowling attacks clash with one another for the Ashes. Until then, let’s just hope that the vanishing breed doesn’t become totally extinct.

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 23 July, 2006)

The FIFA Prophecies

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

L Suresh unearths some chilling prophecies that Nostradamus made about FIFA 2006.

1000 quatrains, of which 942 exist today. 10 centuries. A mix of languages like Greek, Italian and Latin. And 31 days of football action from the 2006 FIFA World Cup.

What the world knows is that Nostradamus had predicted most of the disasters that were to take place in the future. But what escaped every bookie’s notice were some amazing predictions about the FIFA World Cups. 450 years ago, Nostradamus had subtly slipped in sub-text in his book, The Prophecies, that covered every little disaster from Maradona’s hand of God goal to Zidane’s head-butt foul.

As always, the skeptics drew out their carving knives to prove how vague the interpretations were. But Nostradamus saw this coming as well and wrote a lesser-known supplement to his Almanacs, titled Almaniacs that clearly explains how it takes a bit of ‘retroactive clairvoyance’ to bring to light many of these predictions.

FIFA 1986 World Cup, Quarter-final: Argentina vs England

He will rise high over the estate more to the right,
He will remain seated on the square stone,
Towards the south facing to his left,
The crooked staff in his hand his mouth sealed.
(Century V, Quatrain 75)

Obviously, the D in front of the goal is the prime real estate that Nostradamus was referring to. Maradona rose high above the defenders to the right. And instead of trying to stop the ball, if Peter Shilton, the goalkeeper, had held a compass, he would have noticed Maradona coming towards the South facing to his left and doing the crooked stuff with his hand that resulted in the Hand of God goal – and for years after the infamous incident, his mouth was sealed until he let it slip one day, when ‘squarely’ stoned.

FIFA 1990 World Cup, Final: Germany vs Argentina

A captain of Great Germany
Will come to deliver through false help
To the King of Kings the support of Pannonia,
So that his revolt will cause a great flow of blood.
(Century IX, Quatrain 90)

Franz Beckenbauer, one of the most successful captains of Great Germany would help his team win the World Cup, not as a player but as a coach. He would help the then kings of soccer - Mathaeus, Voeller and Klinsmann – to revolt against the genius of Maradona and win the cup in Pannonia (ancient Italy). Obviously this revolt led to a great flow of red cards – two Argentineans were set off in the finals.

If that was about the past, what did Nostradamus have to say about the disasters of the FIFA 2006 World Cup?

Quarter-final: England vs Portugal

The seducer will be placed in a ditch
and will be tied up for some time.
The scholar joins the chief with his cross.
The sharp right will draw the contented ones.
(Century VIII, Quatrain 95)

The original seducer David Beckham will hobble out and ditch his team when it needs him the most, for he would become tired after sometime. The young genius Rooney will join his Chief Beckham after his ‘cross act’ with Ronaldo that will result in him being sent off. And finally, a sharp right from Ronaldo will draw the contented Portuguese out of their homes in celebration.

Ronaldo and Ronaldinho: flops of the year

Near, far the failure of the two great luminaries
Which will occur between April and March.
Oh, what a loss! but two great good-natured ones
By land and sea will relieve all parts.
(Century III, Quatrain 5)

So near and by far, the two great stars Ronaldo and Ronaldinho will be the biggest failures, in all matches played between April 2006 and March 2007. On, what a loss! But they are two such great good-natured ones - ever noticed how they grin even after a defeat? But then, all other teams that come by land and by sea shall be relieved because of such splendid non-performances.

Victoria Beckham from the stands

At Tours, Gien, guarded, eyes will be searching,
Discovering from afar her serene Highness:
She and her suite will enter the port,
Combat, thrust, sovereign power.
(Century II, Quatrain 14)

Ah, Beckham’s on tour, so it’s a given that her eyes will be searching for the likes of Rebecca Loos and other sultry sirens. Many an affair will her serene highness, the Posh Spice of music, discover from far. And unlike the team she supports, she’s not the one to give up without a fight. So she, accompanied by her entourage, will enter each port and slug it out – combat, cat-fight, whatever it takes. Not for nothing was she named Victoria, the sovereign power.

The fate of Africa

No longer will the great one be in his false sleep,
Uneasiness will come to replace tranquillity:
A phalanx of gold, azure and vermilion arrayed
To subjugate Africa and gnaw it to the bone,
(Century V, Quatrain 69)

It will take matches against teams like Ghana for the great Brazil to wake up from its slumber and get its lazy act together. But Brazil will press the eject button rather early, so the uneasiness of Brazilian fans will soon be replaced by tranquility as they can now watch replays of Pele’s bicycle kick from Escape to Victory, without any ulcers. Meanwhile, teams with gold (Brazil), blue (France) and Red (Germany) would have already crushed Africa and gnawed it to the bone.

Zidane’s head butt of Marco Materazzi

The blue head will inflict upon the white head
As much evil as France has done them good:
Dead at the sail-yard the great one hung on the branch.
When seized by his own the King will say how much.
(Century II, Quatrain 2)

Ah, the head of Les Bleus head-butted the one in white who was pole-axed and hurt his head. Blue did as much evil to France as it did them good because the blue shirts were destined to win the FIFAA 2006 World Cup and by a quirk of fate, Italy wore blue and France, white in the finals. And when it came to the last yard, Zidane lost his head just when the momentum was gathering for his team to sail into the Italian camp. So he was ‘hung on the branch’ – penalized with a red card. What came over him and why he did what he did will be something he will say – but that’s for later.

The final verdict: Italy all the way

Libra will see the Hesperias govern,
Holding the monarchy of heaven and earth:
No one will see the forces of Asia perished,
Only seven hold the hierarchy in order.
(Century IV, Quatrain 50)

Librans Totti and Cannavaro will see Herperia (Italy) govern in the finals and the team will end up holding the trophy that shall proclaim them as the monarchs of football, both in heaven and earth. Though it doesn’t deserve a mention, it must be recorded that Asian teams won’t even make a blip in the radar screen. Only seven superpowers have won the World Cup ever - Brazil, England, Argentina, Italy, France, Germany and Uruguay – and they form the football hierarchy and one amongst them will win.

And true to his prophecy, Italy won the World Cup.

(Appeared as a slightly abridged version in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 16 July, 2006)

A slice of history

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

Prof L Suresh presents a white paper on his latest find – Corporate Living Fossils.

Evolution

Millions of years ago, corporate life was all about employees working like asses for donkey’s years, being stubborn as a mule and refusing to budge from the place. The management too believed in the concept of employee retention, encouraging senior professionals to ‘stick on’. But those who never proved themselves found themselves in a rather sticky situation, as they couldn’t find a job elsewhere. So they put up prominent name boards, lodged themselves deep within the corporate hierarchy (thus giving rise to the term ‘boarding and lodging’ which also made their intentions clear, of staying on forever) and were soon forgotten with time.

Classification

While these old-timers clearly belonged to the list of antiques from the corporate’s past, their antics however, were pretty much in keeping with the times. And so, they came to be known as Corporate Living Fossils – short for ‘Corporate Threats, Living Disasters and Intellectual Fossils’.

Family Tree

Corporate Living Fossils, like their counterpart recently found in Southeast Asia, belong to the rat family. They sniff around for gossip, chew up communication links between other employees, raise a stink with the kind of work they do and most importantly, hate their country cousins, the mouse, which makes them computer unfriendly.

Behaviour

Despite being technically challenged, Corporate Living Fossils fight for accessories like PDAs and laptops that serve as effective props in making them look busy. But once they get their gizmos, their use is largely limited to playing solitaire. This little insight tells us one very important thing about these fossils – they have lots of time and very little work. So they generally operate on a simple work philosophy – ‘Don’t get straight to the point. What’ll I do for the rest of the day?’

Habitat

Since most organizations don’t have attics in the workplace, Corporate Living Fossils take up the next best place that keeps them totally isolated from the passage of time - the office cabin. (Most of these fossils love their cabins so much that over a period of time, they have come to be lovingly known as the organization’s cabin baggage.)

Survival

Remember, Corporate Living Fossils have withstood phenomena more excruciating than the ice age and meteor crashes – they have lived through corporate restructuring, downsizing, management changes and boss transfers. At times of such violent corporate shake-ups, they prefer to settle down into deep hibernation and yet, manage to retain their jobs, designations and most important of all, their cabins. That’s why it takes a lot to dislodge fossils from the workplace.

Corporate Impact

Most Corporate Living Fossils make their organizations see red – on the balance sheet - as they nullify every last penny of profit that has been excruciatingly made by drawing obscene salaries. They have also been instrumental in making most organizations sick - of paying them massive perks and bonuses, year after year. That’s when HR departments decided to cater to their predatory instincts, instead of paying them in cash.

Predatory Instincts

Most Corporate Living Fossils feed off the young blood in the organization – hapless trainees, new recruits and nervous secretaries. These are part of the non-monetary benefit packages that entitle them to a free hand with the new employees, calling them in for day-long training sessions and numbing them to the point of total submission or complete exhaustion, whichever happens first. This also ensures that the species does not face extinction as such sessions help in adding to the tribe – by grooming of the ‘fossils of the future’.

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 09 July, 2006)

I came, I saw, I concurred…

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

L Suresh traces the footprints of Obelix across Italy to find out why the Romans are crazy.

If you are going to Italy, haven’t opted for a typical tours and travel package, aren’t being sponsored by your company and most importantly, haven’t gotten over the fact that the Euro is whipping the Indian Rupee 55 to one, you’ll want to cut this out and stick it to the inside compartment of your hard luggage.

One of the first things you need to remember when you are making your travel plans is that most hotels in Italy are named after monuments – when they are not named after the Mona Lisa. So, however meaningless this may sound, make sure you specify to your travel agent that you intend staying at the hotel and not at the monument. I wouldn’t be saying this without reason - my travel agent promptly cancelled my hotel booking when I told her that I would prefer to stay at The Forum – perhaps she thought that I would be camping at the ruins of the forum, somewhere between pillars two and three perhaps, reliving the good old days of the Roman orgies, with the jolly spirits of long gone Caesar and his old cronies for company.

For those of you going abroad for the first time, a typical international aircraft is an object of study for space scientists – every inch of space that they discover inside the aircraft is likely to be lauded by public at large. A cross between a Mumbai flat and a corsair galley, it gives you just about enough space to slip in to your seats in a simple three-step process. One, duck under the wildly swinging doors of the overhead luggage compartment. Two, retract both legs to save your kneecaps from the backrest before you, as the passenger in the previous row stretches out and pushes the seat back without a warning. Three, stick your hands up in mock surrender as you settle down into your seat, otherwise your elbows may find their way into some tender midriffs and you will have irate fellow passengers to contend with, on either side. Of course, the only thing missing is a pair of oars and chains that kept the slaves in their seats, but keeping passenger comfort in mind, all chains have been uniformly upgraded to seatbelts. Now that you are seated and are completely immobilized, the pilot indulges in small talk with you and his crew as he waits for rigor mortis to set in before taking off.

If you’re amongst those who have spent a week shopping for designer wear, getting your hair coloured and practicing imaginary scenes at an Italian café, where you snap your fingers for the cameriere (waiter) and order tagliatelle with salsa di pomodoro or lasagna al pesto with an impeccable Italian accent, you are likely to have a bad start to your trip. The airline will do its best to make you feel miserable about leaving the country – be it offering you idli-vada-sambar for breakfast as you are flying somewhere over Turkey or screening full-blown Tamil action flicks that leave you looking as ghastly as you probably do in your passport. But don’t let such trifles bog you down. You’ve spent a bomb for a makeover, so if someone tries to link you back to your third world roots, ask them to go climb a tree.

Since some of us have a way with languages, we don’t find it too difficult to speak Italian. Italian is Italiano, wine becomes vino, beer becomes birro, credit is credito and a cone, cono. But adding an o to the loo will only communicate your sense of urgency, but will not get you anywhere – you need to look for a bagno. Unfortunately, there are occasions when we don’t get an opportunity to show off our linguistic skills. Ever since I set foot in Italy, I became a human magnet and attracted all the Indians living there, in alphabetical order. The first cab I got into was blaring Bhangra pop. The first taste of ‘original pizza’ came at a restaurant managed by an urdu-speaking gentleman. The family next to me at the Duomo in Milan was Indian. And the ISD phone booth next door was managed by – you guessed it – a Hindi speaking son-of-the-soil who greeted me with a namaste everytime I walked in. To think that I spent a fortnight in a new country and got by with Hindi – if you’re the kind that doesn’t need much more than a low-flying plane bound for the West to pass over your house for you to pick up an accent, this must come as a crushing disappointment.

Communication is of vital importance when you are in a city like Rome, especially when you have to drag someone back home out of the bathroom to tell him that you are standing in front of the Colosseum. As Confucius (probably) said, “Man who does spadework gathers only dirt.” So whatever you do, don’t go armed with information from India or you’ll never face what I did - the zero tolerance test. There are telephone codes for the country and the city, there is the number you need to dial and there are zeroes that have to be added at the right places. So where do the zeroes go? In Spain, you wave a red flag at a bull. In Italy, you wave a piece of paper with a telephone number for similar results. I was mistaken for a beggar and was shooed away by a snobbish couple, so I made up my mind to toss a coin in the fountain of Trevi and wish for something terrible to happen to them. I don’t know if it did, but I lost two Euros at the telephone kiosk, one Euro at the fountain that I threw in and found out something new about Italy - it has zero tolerance.

There’s something about Florence that makes you feel hungry all the time. It’s called the food bill. Of course, it’s doubly expensive for vegetarians. A hamburger costs 1.5 Euros while the veggie burger – what a hamburger is reduced to after the service attendant painstakingly removes the patty and slams the burger shut – costs 3.5 Euros. I figured that the cost of this additional labour was being added to every veggie burger and tried to wangle a discount on the fare by volunteering to dislodge the patty myself. But since I did not have a work permit and was further depriving a Caucasian male (who was already pissed that all the jobs were going to India) of an employment opportunity, the offer was turned down. However, to keep me quiet, the discount was passed on under the table. Being a true third world citizen, I promptly took advantage of the situation and insisted on having every meal there – at reduced rates.

Planning a train journey in Milan is not as simple as it is in other parts of the world.
The metro has different train lines – red, green and yellow - that crisscross the city in such a way that the maps at the metro stations resemble a confused colour palette. Each has a different ticket and has been priced in such a way so as to make all your plans of saving on cab fare go haywire. In all, the metro has been designed with the tourist in mind and works like a treasure hunt. You first figure out where to buy a ticket, find out how much it costs and hunt for the right subway that will take you to the station. Once in, you look out for the right station to alight, change direction and redo from start. Keep plenty of cash in hand because the chances of you going wrong are pretty high and there is a huge fine if you get caught. If you’re lucky, you even get shot by the surveillance cameras. And to keep you totally clueless, everyone speaks in Italian. In all, the excitement beats any reality show hollow.

Of all the places in Italy, Venice is truly a case study for any tourism department in the world. There are hardly any roads and hence no open-top buses, luxury coaches or cabs to charge you a bomb and take you around. Yet they find other ways - you can be walked or jogged through the town – for a fee. Which means you go puffing and panting behind a pro who’s literally giving you a run for your money. By noon, you are so tired that you can’t do anything but hire a gondola and sink into its plush velvet seats like a beached whale. That’s another 6000 bucks, so you paste a stupid smile on the face just to tell the world that you are having the time of your life.

Thus you conquer Rome and then take on Florence, Milan and Venice without magic potion, a druid or the final banquet. But all good things must come to an end – for the Italians. After contributing to their economy, their veggie burger sales and Rome’s flea markets, you reluctantly take the flight back home - for the sole reason that you are completely broke and are relying on the airline for your next meal. And out slide the TV monitors as another Tamil action flick starts an assault on your senses. That’s when you tap your forehead, shake your head and tell yourself, ‘these Romans are crazy.’

(Appeared as a slightly abridged version in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 02 July, 2006)