(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)Dalmiya narrates a nightmare that he had on the night of September 26, to his shrink L Suresh, who promptly leaks it out…
The huge contingent of the press and officials from the Board waited with bated breath. The Committee meeting, like the elections, stood postponed and instead, the press was going to be treated to ‘Look Who’s Shaking Hands - II’. News had it that the Patron Saint would be joining Sourav and Chappell. As on cue, Sourav and Chappell posed with their cue sticks. You could hear a pin drop as everyone waited for India’s Saint No. 1 to make a dramatic appearance. And in jogged the Patron Saint, wearing his swimming trunks and warming up vigourously.
One look at the crowd gaping at him and his shrewd cricketing brain realized that something was wrong. “Nair!” he bellowed. The man appeared before the echoes died out. “S-Sir, the plan was to take photographs by the pool table, not by the pool.” A blue robe that said ‘BCCI rocks’ came out of nowhere and cloaked the Patron Saint before one could say ‘Team India’. He addressed the Press.
“Arre Baba, Ganguly-Chappell spat or Chappell-Ganguly spat – what finally matters is who spat first. That’s the reason why we have appointed a six-member enquiry committee to look into the whole thing. It will have Sunil Gavaskar, me, Ravi Shastri, me, S Venkataraghavan and me. Together, the six of us will probe into it and the findings will be placed before a three-man committee comprising me, Mahendra and me, for a final spit-and-polish before it can be lea… presented to the media.”
Nair mumbled his apologies. “Sorry Sir, what do we do next?” The Patron Saint was deep in thought. “Call all the news channels and give them footage of my Sourav scoring his 10000th run. We’ll use his past records to show what a fine player he is and how he truly deserves to be in the team.” Nair hesitated. “Sir, sorry, the channels are already jammed.” The Patron Saint was surprised. “With what?” Nair explained. “With footage of Ravi Shastri’s six sixers, Kapil Dev’s 434 wickets and Sunil Gavaskar’s 34 centuries. It seems that everyone wants to get back into the team by having their past records continuously played on all the news channels.”
The Patron Saint thought furiously. “Okay, ask everyone from Team India to give sound bytes in support of my Sourav.” Nair shook his head. “Sorry Sir, but that won’t happen.” The Patron Saint grinned. “Why, do they really believe that we’ve gagged them?” Nair’s eyes were moist. “No Sir, but Team India seems to have changed to skirts and nose rings. I made the mistake of asking the real Team India to stand up – while our boys were busy with their ads, Sania Mirza, Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore, Anju Bobby George and Mahesh Bhupathi stood up and glared at me - and none of them seemed to give a damn about our Sourav.”
Nair was now sobbing profusely. “Sir, we need to save our skins now. If we don’t win the November elections, we won’t have a Diwali, we’ll only have a diwala.” The Patron Saint sighed. “Okay, issue a press release.” Here is an extract from the release. “…After a six-hour enquiry, the committee realized that Sourav, being a Bengali, had the habit of eating paan and hence it was he who spat first. Meanwhile Chappell has been severely reprimanded for constantly chewing gum - it was because of him that the Indian team was living in a bubble.” (The secret of trousers sticking to chairs during every meeting for the past two months also came to light – you see, the issue couldn’t be stretched any further.)
The huge contingent of the press and officials from the Board waited with bated breath. The Committee meeting, like the elections, stood postponed and instead, the press was going to be treated to ‘Look Who’s Shaking Hands - II’. News had it that the Patron Saint would be joining Sourav and Chappell. As on cue, Sourav and Chappell posed with their cue sticks. You could hear a pin drop as everyone waited for India’s Saint No. 1 to make a dramatic appearance. And in jogged the Patron Saint, wearing his swimming trunks and warming up vigourously.
One look at the crowd gaping at him and his shrewd cricketing brain realized that something was wrong. “Nair!” he bellowed. The man appeared before the echoes died out. “S-Sir, the plan was to take photographs by the pool table, not by the pool.” A blue robe that said ‘BCCI rocks’ came out of nowhere and cloaked the Patron Saint before one could say ‘Team India’. He addressed the Press.
“Arre Baba, Ganguly-Chappell spat or Chappell-Ganguly spat – what finally matters is who spat first. That’s the reason why we have appointed a six-member enquiry committee to look into the whole thing. It will have Sunil Gavaskar, me, Ravi Shastri, me, S Venkataraghavan and me. Together, the six of us will probe into it and the findings will be placed before a three-man committee comprising me, Mahendra and me, for a final spit-and-polish before it can be lea… presented to the media.”
Nair mumbled his apologies. “Sorry Sir, what do we do next?” The Patron Saint was deep in thought. “Call all the news channels and give them footage of my Sourav scoring his 10000th run. We’ll use his past records to show what a fine player he is and how he truly deserves to be in the team.” Nair hesitated. “Sir, sorry, the channels are already jammed.” The Patron Saint was surprised. “With what?” Nair explained. “With footage of Ravi Shastri’s six sixers, Kapil Dev’s 434 wickets and Sunil Gavaskar’s 34 centuries. It seems that everyone wants to get back into the team by having their past records continuously played on all the news channels.”
The Patron Saint thought furiously. “Okay, ask everyone from Team India to give sound bytes in support of my Sourav.” Nair shook his head. “Sorry Sir, but that won’t happen.” The Patron Saint grinned. “Why, do they really believe that we’ve gagged them?” Nair’s eyes were moist. “No Sir, but Team India seems to have changed to skirts and nose rings. I made the mistake of asking the real Team India to stand up – while our boys were busy with their ads, Sania Mirza, Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore, Anju Bobby George and Mahesh Bhupathi stood up and glared at me - and none of them seemed to give a damn about our Sourav.”
Nair was now sobbing profusely. “Sir, we need to save our skins now. If we don’t win the November elections, we won’t have a Diwali, we’ll only have a diwala.” The Patron Saint sighed. “Okay, issue a press release.” Here is an extract from the release. “…After a six-hour enquiry, the committee realized that Sourav, being a Bengali, had the habit of eating paan and hence it was he who spat first. Meanwhile Chappell has been severely reprimanded for constantly chewing gum - it was because of him that the Indian team was living in a bubble.” (The secret of trousers sticking to chairs during every meeting for the past two months also came to light – you see, the issue couldn’t be stretched any further.)
(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement as 'Men in spats' on 02 October, 2005)
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