The great brain robbery

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

Who wants to be a millionaire - when you can be one twenty times over, asks L Suresh.

15 questions. 4 lifelines. 20 million bucks. And just one mid-sized column in this newspaper that can help you win it all. So read this piece as if your lifelines depended on it.

For starters, ask yourself one key question - why watch someone else struggling to answer what Maharashtra’s capital is, when you can do it yourself? Here are some no-sweat tips on how to crack KBC2 without having to work hard, cram up on useless information or trying to morph into a genius overnight.

Offer some spirited answers: So what if you are not allowed to carry a cell to the hot seat? Take the world’s oldest mobile, wireless equipment that evolved before technology cut its bluetooth - the Ouija Board. And summon the spirits to give you all the answers.

Do the Quick Gun Murugun Act: The ‘Fastest Finger First’ will determine whether you are in the hot seat or are left in the cold. So wherever you see a button – be it a neighbour’s calling bell, your bike horn or the buttons in a lift – press, press, press…

Tap the network: What’s common to entrance exam question papers, transcripts of phone calls to the underworld, defence secrets and KBC’s 15 questions? They can all be leaked. When you’re not waiting for a call from KBC2, look out for shadily parked cars, sleazy hotels, petrol bunks… you’ll find the answers – and the questions.

Be the Lord of the rings: Hire a call center (the one that pesters you the most with loan offers and credit card deals) to call the whole neighbourhood, telling everyone that they are selected for the 86th episode. (Only you and I know that there are only 85 episodes, right?)

Who finds a friend finds a treasure: Contrary to what you might think, the ‘phone a friend’ lifeline does not include party line or dating services. So make up with all your once-upon-a-time friends. Keep them in good humour – or the laugh will be on you.

Big B meets Queen B: Guys, it’s time to switch from stag parties to drag parties because Mrs. Doubtfire has a better chance of making it to KBC2 than you do. Yup, the sequel has a 20% quota for women. Just keep your skirt on and don’t let the pressure get to you.

Exercising the 50:50 option: Why get intelligent when you can get smart? Try convincing the Big B to let you in on the answers and go 50:50 on the loot, but remember that unlike the Godfather, Sarkar does not believe in offers that one finds hard to refuse.

Get cheap and best: In this world of skyrocketing costs, the only thing that can get cheap is you. So make all your calls to KBC2 from your workplace or a friend’s mobile. Because, at six bucks a call, you are more likely to land in hot water than in the hot seat.

Preach what you can’t practice: No call? No sweat! Open a KBC3 (Kaun Banega Crorepathi Coaching Classes) for KBC2. They say there’s a sucker born every minute. You’ll get 15 lakhs of them every day. Two crores? You’ll probably make much more.

Okay, some of these are pretty drastic measures, we accept. But then, you’ve got to do things you’ve never done to be someone you’ve never been – a crorepathi! Even if that includes referring to a flat screen monitor in front of you as computer-ji.

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 31 July, 2005)