(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)L Suresh uncovers a macabre tale of blood, gore and revenge in Indian cricket.
Long before the Indian Idol burst into the scene, the country had its own desi version of the talent hunt - the Indian Idle. But in course of time, the name was changed to the BCCI Presidential Elections as it was found that the man at the helm, contrary to his job profile, became rather active in the seat of power. But there was another loose end that lay unthreaded, despite many state cricket associations pulling strings and despite fans giving their cricketing heroes a long rope – the search for an allrounder.
That was when the selection committee, buoyed by Coach Chappell’s De Bono theories, sat up to do some lateral thinking. And from this process emerged not one, but the magnificent seven, with Ganguly and Sehwag as batting allrounders, Yuvraj and Kaif as fielding allrounders, Irfan and Agarkar as bowling allrounders, Dhoni as the wicket-keeping allrounder.
But this was just the sub-plot. The main story was one of ‘try hard - with a vengeance’, with so many twists and turns that it took an RVBMS (Relational Vendetta Base Management System) to put it all together, as each man tried to outdo the other.
Sourav settles a score
Sourav: “Zaheer should have known better than to dismiss me for two consecutive ducks in the Duleep Trophy Final. I might have a string of low scores, but that doesn’t mean that I will take to zeroes like a duck to water. After all, I have scored over 10,000 runs in one-dayers. (Don’t ask me what this has to do with my selection in tests. I have been told to say this at least once a day to the press.) I’ve settled scores magnificently, but the sad part is, I can’t get them into the record books.”
The Patron Saint Payback
Patron Saint: “How dare Chappell show his you-know-which finger to the Kolkata crowd! I am waiting to show all five fingers – and wave him good-bye. The first step towards that obviously was getting Sourav back into the team. But I just can’t understand one thing – why is everyone picking on poor Sourav? When Mr. More called him a batting allrounder, what he meant was that Dada is a batsman who could bat ‘all around the wicket’, contrary to popular belief that Sourav could play only on the offside. Besides, hasn’t he scored over 10,000 runs in one-dayers? (Don’t ask me what this has to do with his selection in tests. We have a pact – we say this at least once a day to the press.)”
Atapattu Attacks
Atapattu: “I’m still smarting under the 1-6 drubbing we received in the one-dayers. That’s why I strategically stated that Ganguly’s inclusion would add more teeth to the Indian batting line-up. It didn’t matter that I was lying through my teeth, as long as it makes them bite the dust. And since Sourav said that he would treat his comeback match as his first test, I’m hoping that he would play it like I played my first test – a duck in each innings. Anyways, hasn’t he scored over 10,000 runs in one-dayers? (Don’t ask me what this has to do with his selection in tests. I was asked to say this to the press.)”
In the end, Dada was back in the team and India's longstanding problem of looking for an allrounder was solved. The selectors thus killed two birds and a billion hopes with one stone. And everyone lived happily ever after.
Long before the Indian Idol burst into the scene, the country had its own desi version of the talent hunt - the Indian Idle. But in course of time, the name was changed to the BCCI Presidential Elections as it was found that the man at the helm, contrary to his job profile, became rather active in the seat of power. But there was another loose end that lay unthreaded, despite many state cricket associations pulling strings and despite fans giving their cricketing heroes a long rope – the search for an allrounder.
That was when the selection committee, buoyed by Coach Chappell’s De Bono theories, sat up to do some lateral thinking. And from this process emerged not one, but the magnificent seven, with Ganguly and Sehwag as batting allrounders, Yuvraj and Kaif as fielding allrounders, Irfan and Agarkar as bowling allrounders, Dhoni as the wicket-keeping allrounder.
But this was just the sub-plot. The main story was one of ‘try hard - with a vengeance’, with so many twists and turns that it took an RVBMS (Relational Vendetta Base Management System) to put it all together, as each man tried to outdo the other.
Sourav settles a score
Sourav: “Zaheer should have known better than to dismiss me for two consecutive ducks in the Duleep Trophy Final. I might have a string of low scores, but that doesn’t mean that I will take to zeroes like a duck to water. After all, I have scored over 10,000 runs in one-dayers. (Don’t ask me what this has to do with my selection in tests. I have been told to say this at least once a day to the press.) I’ve settled scores magnificently, but the sad part is, I can’t get them into the record books.”
The Patron Saint Payback
Patron Saint: “How dare Chappell show his you-know-which finger to the Kolkata crowd! I am waiting to show all five fingers – and wave him good-bye. The first step towards that obviously was getting Sourav back into the team. But I just can’t understand one thing – why is everyone picking on poor Sourav? When Mr. More called him a batting allrounder, what he meant was that Dada is a batsman who could bat ‘all around the wicket’, contrary to popular belief that Sourav could play only on the offside. Besides, hasn’t he scored over 10,000 runs in one-dayers? (Don’t ask me what this has to do with his selection in tests. We have a pact – we say this at least once a day to the press.)”
Atapattu Attacks
Atapattu: “I’m still smarting under the 1-6 drubbing we received in the one-dayers. That’s why I strategically stated that Ganguly’s inclusion would add more teeth to the Indian batting line-up. It didn’t matter that I was lying through my teeth, as long as it makes them bite the dust. And since Sourav said that he would treat his comeback match as his first test, I’m hoping that he would play it like I played my first test – a duck in each innings. Anyways, hasn’t he scored over 10,000 runs in one-dayers? (Don’t ask me what this has to do with his selection in tests. I was asked to say this to the press.)”
In the end, Dada was back in the team and India's longstanding problem of looking for an allrounder was solved. The selectors thus killed two birds and a billion hopes with one stone. And everyone lived happily ever after.
(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 04 December, 2005)
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