Winning is everything

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 13 March, 2005)

Make sure that everytime you put pen to paper, you win an award. L Suresh tells you how…

I think, therefore I write.
I write, therefore I win awards.

What’s the point in writing 800-odd pages of a book if it doesn’t fetch you a Booker or a Critics Award? Let’s face it, your chances of winning an award are bright if :

You are a global Indian: Is your Mom half-Portuguese and half-Italian? Is your Dad a Tam Bram? You’re on! The more exotic the cocktail, the brighter are your chances of making it big. Latinos, Spaniards, Bangladeshis… Get the (inter-continental) drift? Of course, if your folks are the good ol’ ‘down South’ kinds, remember that Salem, Paris, Broadway and many other places can be conveniently substituted with their namesakes abroad.

It’s all in the name: The next time your Dad tells you that you should ‘earn a good name’, tell him that he should have given you one. Because, names like Kate Kuppuswamy and Tony Iyengar are clearly winners. It’s all a matter of getting Hinglish or Tanglish with your names. So the next time you hear someone mention name-dropping, you can gather that it’s about dropping your name - and taking on a more colourful one.

Occupational hazards: A college dropout? Experimented with a lot of unmentionables? Worked as a stevedore, a guide, a foreman, a social worker, a lifeguard and a lift operator? Great, your career is already on its way up. The lesser you did, the more it works in your favour. So as far as professions go, anything conventional is a no-no (sorry to break 3 million hearts, but that includes BPOs too).

We’ve seen who wins. But what wins?

A bestseller: You have a simple storyline with two men (revenge) or a man and a woman (romance). So the next logical thing is to write a simple book right? Wrong! When it comes to writing paperbacks, you’ve got to KICK (Keep It Complicated and Kind-of -longwinding). Start with deepest Africa. Cut to Libya/Israel/Iraq. (Depending on whether you want to bring in Gadhafi/ Mossad/ Saddam.) Cut to the White House. (Bring in the US President and the FBI.) A couple of failed assassination attempts, a chase across three continents and now for the grand finale in the last 100 pages – forget everything that you’ve written about thus far and begin your actual story.

Historical fiction: Make sure your work is preceded by at least three years of research (aka downloading pdfs of other books on the same subject from the net. Key pages from these books can be part of yours as well. If anyone accuses you of plagiarism, tell them that it’s just history repeating itself). Always remember to throw in a couple of conspiracy theories. (Like King Arthur was actually black, the Round Table wasn’t actually round, Alexander in India was known as Alex Pandian…) It works – history will tell you so.

Indian contemporary writing: Start with an autobiographical description of yourself. Bring in the backwaters of Kerala. Ruminate about the world. Delve into history. Add a bit of fiction. Layer it with philosophy. It might leave your head spinning, but be happy that you’ve spun the best yarn of your life.

One last thing. You could have written 80,000 words. But it is the forewords (from Page 3 personalities) that make all the difference. Famous painters, columnists, filmmakers, retired cricketers… Take your pick. Sometime in the future, it will be time for you to take a bow.

Happy writing!

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 13 March, 2005)