(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)‘Can a plane take-off without a run-up?’’ and other such unbelievable questions posed by the intelligentsia of the cricketing fraternity, answered with equally amazing insights by the nation’s cricket expert Mandira. L Suresh listens with rapt attention…
Dear M,
This is just not fair! The whole team has just been mothered down under by the Aussies and I’m the one accused of rape. Though several statements have been issued that the Pakistani cricketer involved happens to be a ‘fast-bowling all-rounder’, the media is still keen on tarnishing my name. My question is this – do I feel happy about being labelled as an all-rounder or do I get object to being accused of rape?
This is just not fair! The whole team has just been mothered down under by the Aussies and I’m the one accused of rape. Though several statements have been issued that the Pakistani cricketer involved happens to be a ‘fast-bowling all-rounder’, the media is still keen on tarnishing my name. My question is this – do I feel happy about being labelled as an all-rounder or do I get object to being accused of rape?
Shoaib “I am the fastest” Akthar
Mandira says:
Dear Shoaib,
What you must remember at all times is that you aren’t called the Rawalpindi Express because you come on to women pretty fast. What you need to do is be the fastest on the field, and I don’t mean the fastest to get injured. And just because your figures aren’t too impressive, you shouldn’t go after babes whose figures are. If you’re being mistaken for a “fast-bowling all-rounder”, don’t bother. Since you’re never fit to both bat and bowl in the same match, the misconception will soon fade away. Just make sure you don’t. Remember, “Life’s a pitch, and then you get hit for a six over backward point.”
What you must remember at all times is that you aren’t called the Rawalpindi Express because you come on to women pretty fast. What you need to do is be the fastest on the field, and I don’t mean the fastest to get injured. And just because your figures aren’t too impressive, you shouldn’t go after babes whose figures are. If you’re being mistaken for a “fast-bowling all-rounder”, don’t bother. Since you’re never fit to both bat and bowl in the same match, the misconception will soon fade away. Just make sure you don’t. Remember, “Life’s a pitch, and then you get hit for a six over backward point.”
Dear M,
Right through the 80s, the Windies were regularly whipping the Queen’s boys. And no one had any problems then. Now, when I take them to task, all hell breaks loose. All I did was fine Vaughan 5,500 pounds and I’m now accused of throwing my weight around. Listen, for all these years, I’ve been waiting for a West Indian to make headlines. Since that didn’t happen, I thought it’s time I did the rescue act, like in the good ol’ times. Besides, I’m sick and tired of hearing that every second team is taking the ‘wind’ out of the Windies. What do I do?
Right through the 80s, the Windies were regularly whipping the Queen’s boys. And no one had any problems then. Now, when I take them to task, all hell breaks loose. All I did was fine Vaughan 5,500 pounds and I’m now accused of throwing my weight around. Listen, for all these years, I’ve been waiting for a West Indian to make headlines. Since that didn’t happen, I thought it’s time I did the rescue act, like in the good ol’ times. Besides, I’m sick and tired of hearing that every second team is taking the ‘wind’ out of the Windies. What do I do?
Clive ‘Brit Basher’ Lloyd
Mandira says:
Hey Supercat,
You know how it is with England. When it rains, it pours. But the root of the problem lies in India. Remember the time when you fined Sourav for poor run-rate? He appealed and you were overruled. Guess you forgot that a man who can take his shirt off to celebrate can take your pants off if you cross his way. Now everybody wants to do the same. And you aren’t the only West Indian to return to form. Just watch Steve Bucknor – he’s been consistently turning the tables on every match, without lifting a finger. So don’t worry about the team. Just remember, “There’s a difference between a (super)cat that got the cream and a (super)cat that got creamed.”
You know how it is with England. When it rains, it pours. But the root of the problem lies in India. Remember the time when you fined Sourav for poor run-rate? He appealed and you were overruled. Guess you forgot that a man who can take his shirt off to celebrate can take your pants off if you cross his way. Now everybody wants to do the same. And you aren’t the only West Indian to return to form. Just watch Steve Bucknor – he’s been consistently turning the tables on every match, without lifting a finger. So don’t worry about the team. Just remember, “There’s a difference between a (super)cat that got the cream and a (super)cat that got creamed.”
Dear M,
My batters are getting battered and my bowlers are getting bowled over by the women they meet. And those who actually come on and bowl during matches are being suspected for their bowling action on the field and for their misconduct off the field. In fact, the only place where my boys seem to be scoring is in hotel rooms. In the middle of all this, I’ve got everyone from Musharraf to Imran bhai baying for my blood. Needless to say, my form has gone for a toss. What do I do?
My batters are getting battered and my bowlers are getting bowled over by the women they meet. And those who actually come on and bowl during matches are being suspected for their bowling action on the field and for their misconduct off the field. In fact, the only place where my boys seem to be scoring is in hotel rooms. In the middle of all this, I’ve got everyone from Musharraf to Imran bhai baying for my blood. Needless to say, my form has gone for a toss. What do I do?
Inzamam“no dum in this aloo” ul-Haq
Mandira says:
Dear Inzy,
So much drama in so short a time! Hey, why don’t you write a book titled ‘Auspitalised and Austracized – Drama in Real Life’? At least, it’ll help you get rid of the tag of ‘an unimaginative captain’. Don’t take Imran too seriously. In his search for grants for the cancer hospital, the last thing he expected was Hugh Grant. Obviously, he’s peeved. As for Musharraf, just send him a DVD of Mission Kashmir. That should keep him occupied. Moreover, the problem with your team is that they are receiving instructions in English from an Englishman who was born in India, played in England and coached in South Africa. Obviously they are a confused lot. So organize a meeting between Woolmer and Miandad – that should keep both of them fighting as to who is pulling wool over whose eyes. Meanwhile, have a talk with your boys – in Urdu or Hindi if you please. And instruct them, sternly at that, to end all pillow talk and for a change, let their willow talk. As for your form, you need to lose weight to gain form. Remember, “Man who is out of shape is out of form.”
So much drama in so short a time! Hey, why don’t you write a book titled ‘Auspitalised and Austracized – Drama in Real Life’? At least, it’ll help you get rid of the tag of ‘an unimaginative captain’. Don’t take Imran too seriously. In his search for grants for the cancer hospital, the last thing he expected was Hugh Grant. Obviously, he’s peeved. As for Musharraf, just send him a DVD of Mission Kashmir. That should keep him occupied. Moreover, the problem with your team is that they are receiving instructions in English from an Englishman who was born in India, played in England and coached in South Africa. Obviously they are a confused lot. So organize a meeting between Woolmer and Miandad – that should keep both of them fighting as to who is pulling wool over whose eyes. Meanwhile, have a talk with your boys – in Urdu or Hindi if you please. And instruct them, sternly at that, to end all pillow talk and for a change, let their willow talk. As for your form, you need to lose weight to gain form. Remember, “Man who is out of shape is out of form.”
Dear M,
When they called me ‘Slow Death’, how was I to know that it wasn’t a nickname they were giving me, but a threat? Though I was unsettled, I decided against returning home, much to the disappointment of both England and South Africa. (Aleem Dar, true to his name chickened out.) I want everyone to know that I’ve refereed football matches as well in Jamaica and have received several threats. But I never thought that anyone would want to do an ‘Escobar’ on me. (Legend: Andres Escobar, a Colombian defender who shot a self-goal in the ’94 World Cup and was shot for it). The million dollar question is - Do I stick to cricket or go back to football?
When they called me ‘Slow Death’, how was I to know that it wasn’t a nickname they were giving me, but a threat? Though I was unsettled, I decided against returning home, much to the disappointment of both England and South Africa. (Aleem Dar, true to his name chickened out.) I want everyone to know that I’ve refereed football matches as well in Jamaica and have received several threats. But I never thought that anyone would want to do an ‘Escobar’ on me. (Legend: Andres Escobar, a Colombian defender who shot a self-goal in the ’94 World Cup and was shot for it). The million dollar question is - Do I stick to cricket or go back to football?
Steve ‘Fearless’ Bucknor
Mandira says:
Dear Steve,
You brave man! You’ve not only dismissed the death threat, but have also decided to stay on. Of course, the cops in South Africa think there’s ‘no substance’ to the threat, but then, they might have been under the impression that they were investigating a doping scandal. My advice is, stick with cricket. Football is all about sudden death and I guess you wouldn’t fancy that either. Perhaps you could try being faster with your decisions – a West Indian quick has always been feared and the threats might just vanish! (Just as an aside, I heard that you can now swear fluently in nine languages, thanks to your vantage position from which you can hear every bowler curse. Why don’t you write to me about that?)
You brave man! You’ve not only dismissed the death threat, but have also decided to stay on. Of course, the cops in South Africa think there’s ‘no substance’ to the threat, but then, they might have been under the impression that they were investigating a doping scandal. My advice is, stick with cricket. Football is all about sudden death and I guess you wouldn’t fancy that either. Perhaps you could try being faster with your decisions – a West Indian quick has always been feared and the threats might just vanish! (Just as an aside, I heard that you can now swear fluently in nine languages, thanks to your vantage position from which you can hear every bowler curse. Why don’t you write to me about that?)
Dear M,
After being politically correct for over 15 years, I’ve finally committed a blunder. (And no, I’m not talking about playing the incoming delivery on to my stumps regularly.) Fact is, with the Indo-Pak series coming up, I’ve got Shoaib on my mind – so much so that I ended up shooting my mouth off like him. I’ve said that I won’t return to cricket until fully fit. Since I’ve no clue as to when I’m going to be fully fit, what do I do? More importantly, what do the 120 brands that I endorse do, if I can’t play?
After being politically correct for over 15 years, I’ve finally committed a blunder. (And no, I’m not talking about playing the incoming delivery on to my stumps regularly.) Fact is, with the Indo-Pak series coming up, I’ve got Shoaib on my mind – so much so that I ended up shooting my mouth off like him. I’ve said that I won’t return to cricket until fully fit. Since I’ve no clue as to when I’m going to be fully fit, what do I do? More importantly, what do the 120 brands that I endorse do, if I can’t play?
Sachin “tennis elbow” Tendulkar
Mandira says:
Dear Sachin,
I started off as a successful model and have ended up with a highly successful career in cricket as an expert commentator. So all is not lost for you. You could do the converse. Anyways, in the last year, your appearances on TV have always been between overs and not during. You’ve always been the inspiration for millions of kids in the country. Except that these days, kids are saying that they want to grow up and be a model like Sachin. Of course, you can play all the cricket you want in your ads. Look at other cricketers. Their biggest boundaries in recent times, have all come in TV commercials. So forget about being fit and remember, “The only thing that has to be healthy at all times is one’s bank balance.”
Dear Sachin,
I started off as a successful model and have ended up with a highly successful career in cricket as an expert commentator. So all is not lost for you. You could do the converse. Anyways, in the last year, your appearances on TV have always been between overs and not during. You’ve always been the inspiration for millions of kids in the country. Except that these days, kids are saying that they want to grow up and be a model like Sachin. Of course, you can play all the cricket you want in your ads. Look at other cricketers. Their biggest boundaries in recent times, have all come in TV commercials. So forget about being fit and remember, “The only thing that has to be healthy at all times is one’s bank balance.”
Note: Since Mandira is actively researching the technology behind ‘Vertical Take-off And Landing’ aircraft, she will answer the initial question - ‘Can a plane take-off without a run-up? in future issues.
(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 06 Feb, 2005)
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