Who? Me, win?

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

If the winner takes it all, what do the rest of the guys do? L Suresh covers an exclusive awards nite where everyone walks away into the sunset – with an award.

Match-fixing, underworld, endorsements, zonal selection, Page 3… It’s sure isn’t easy being a cricketer. And with so much happening, where’s the time to win? Keeping this in mind, the ICC instituted prestigious awards that were given to countries according to their ICC Test Rankings (after our Patron Saint’s threat that Indian sponsors would pull out if the awards were given out as per the One Day Rankings).

The ‘Yellow, yellow, dirty fellow’ award sponsored by Rin
Nominee: Australia. Winner: Australia

Winning day after day. Being number one all the time. Pounding the opposition to pulp in every match. From Wini, vidi, vici (I play, I win, I beat them viciously) to Fido Dido’s a Dodo (Winning is normal and normal is never boring), every phrase in the dictionary has been used to describe the Ivan Lendls of cricket.

The ‘Lagey Raho’ award sponsored by Alpenliebe
Nominees: India, England, West Indies. Winner: England

India’s sustained campaign for its out-of-form superstars and the Windies’ ‘we’re still rebuilding’ campaigns put them amongst the nominations, but the final award went to a team with heads full of grey matter (What else do you expect when you’ve got nothing but the ashes on your mind?) and the famous chant – from ashes to ashes, from dust to bust.

‘We’re No. 2, so why try harder’ award sponsored by Avis
Nominee: India. Winner: India

Sachin outwitting Shoaib Akthar, Brett Lee and Gillespie on his bike. Yuvraj playing cricket in casuals. Ganguly doing a wooden take on Breathless. Irfan Pathan driving over the hill. And the biggest of them all, (that brought a lump to everyone’s throat when it was beamed on the big screen at the venue) the entire team dancing around the big B, in celebration of an occasion that still remains a mystery to most Indians. This was a winner all the way.

‘Har ghar kuch kehta hai ki usme kaun ladtha hai’ award by Asian Paints
Nominees: Pakistan, Sri Lanka. Winner: Pakistan

Aamir Sohail vs Rameez Raja. Miandad vs Imran. Miandad vs Woolmer. Inzamam vs Shoaib Akthar. Rashid Latif vs PCB. With so much of action going on, who has the time to win? The Paki action men are having a ball – and this one is not doctored.

‘Undress code for men’ award by VIP
Nominees: Sri Lanka. Winner: Sri Lanka

It started as a power game, with a selector, KM Nelson, claiming that ‘he would pull down his trousers in public if Mahanama scored’, in 1997. And it ended with men being stripped of their power. De Mel removed from the selection panel. Mendis resigning and later reversing his decision to quit. The entire Sri Lankan Board dissolved. Army officers taking over the Board HQ. As they say, it was rivolta in the ranks.

‘Connecting People’ award by Nokia
Nominees: South Africa, Zimbabwe. Winner: South Africa

Race rows. Kevin Pietersen and Martin van Jaarsveld heading towards England. At least 7 black players in the 2007 World Cup squad. The famous "Who is Jacques Kallis?" question by the Sports Minister Ngconde Balfour. The Proteas would have done well to appoint an Indian coach – who else can explain the quota system better?

‘Heals fast’ award by Johnson’s Band-Aid
Nominees: India, Pakistan, New Zealand, England. Winner: New Zealand

Shane Bond down with stress fractures to his feet and back. Nathan Astle with a damaged shoulder. Michael Papps hurt on the head. Jacob Oram out with a stress reaction to a back injury. Scott Styris recuperating from arthroscopic surgery on his left knee. Andre Adams, Ian Butler and Michael Mason at the sick bay. New has it that someone sent them a card that said ‘Break a leg’ before they stepped out onto the field.

‘The King of Good Times’ award by Kingfisher
Nominee: West Indies. Winner: West Indies

It doesn’t matter if you win or lose. It doesn’t matter if the West Indies Players Association scraps with the West Indies Cricket Board. It doesn’t matter if Digicel is not on the same wavelength as Cable & Wireless. Doors may bang, female voices may be heard in the corridors well past midnight, but what matters is having a good time, all the time. Because ‘life’s a party, if you can dance, maan!’

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 15 May, 2005)