The Thin Red Carpet

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

L Suresh picks a few loose threads from the red carpet at Cannes to spin a yarn…

The Big B twirled his newly acquired ponytail and looked at the mountain of sweet boxes that had been returned by celebs who were miffed at not being invited for the wedding. "Fine," he thundered. "If they couldn't meet Abhishek and Ash at the wedding, they can meet them at the Cannes."

His PA interrupted gently. "But Sir, aren't we supposed to be having a cold war with The Khan?" The Big B gave the Gabbar look. "There was an ad this morning that said 'Drive in with your PA and drive out with a PDA'. What do you think?"

And so it turned out that though just a handful of Bollywood movies were being screened at the Cannes, a massive Bollywood brigade turned up, outnumbering the movies 300 to 1 (thereby giving rise to the speculation that 300 could be remade in Bollywood). It was pretty obvious that none of the movies would make the cut - and talking of awards would have been the unkindest cut of them all.

So Bollywood decided that it would have its own awards. For decades, Bollywood movies never made it to the Cannes because of their clichéd plots. Now they would return to rule the red carpet - as awards.

Lost and Found Award: (Fashion) Guru
A little girl enters the big bad world of movies, is swept of her feet by the adulation she receives - and lands on her head. The knock makes her an amnesia patient and she loses her sense of fashion. Year after year, she arrives at the Cannes in bizarre clothes, causing FTV to go on the blink. Though she loses her mind, she sings in the rain, finds her Prince Charming in a crooked businessman, they get married and live happily ever after.

Separated at Birth Award: My Blackberry Nights
Dad brings both kids to the Cannes. They get lost. One specializes in red carpet extravaganzas for NRIs and the other in doormat soap operas, where the characters walk all over the battered daughter-in-law. The two kids grow up, own blackberries, keep sms-ing each other and realize that both of them use the letter k more often than needed. In a grand climax, they reunite in a teary moment in Koffee with Karan.

Love Triangle Award: Ek Love ya
Bips loves John, John loves his bike, and the bike loves the road. In the end, she has a touch choice to make - it's John or the Road. On pure emoting abilities, she chooses the road and that's how the movie goes.

Revenge Formula Award: Goal
The last time, Devdas was booted out by critics at Cannes. So this time around, Bollywood hatched a plot that would remind France of its head-butting embarrassment in the World Cup football last year. And what better way to do it than with a movie titled Goal.

Poor boy meets rich girl Award: Debt Proof
In a daring attempt to make a crossover movie, Yashraj teams up with Quentin Tarantino to make a musical about a psychopathic stuntman who crosses a railway line and with it, the poverty line and crosses over to affluence. How he lives it up in Switzerland with his rich lover is then told in a series of songs.

The Wedding Video Award: Sicko
Another Bollywood meets West combo that brings Michael Moore and Sooraj Barjatya together for an NRI movie that has four weddings and so many songs and dances that no one survives in the end. Needless to say, this is an attempt to expose the failure of the healthcare system in the US.

So everyone got to meet Ash and Abhi, everyone got to walk the red carpet and everyone got to win an award. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 27 May, 2007)