Fly hard with a vengeance

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

The future’s dim and there’s no escape.
The future’s about flying cheap without a cape.
- Anon

* What do you get when you put together a successful combo of innovative ticketing deals, thousands of travel websites and numerous economy airlines mushrooming each day? More of the same, obviously. Here’s a peek into what’s in store for the passenger who is looking for more ways to fly at the cost of a bus ticket. As always, the announcements come before the flights.

* We regret to inform passengers that our new cost-saving initiative prevents us from accelerating during take-off. We have hence opted for an alternate arrangement whereby the aircraft will be manually pushed by our staff until it gains momentum. The cost of fuel saved will be passed on to passengers.

* Since a lot of time is wasted in taking off and landing in short flight sectors, we have decided that our flights will taxi all the way to the destination and not take off.

* Long-distance domestic flights consume a lot of fuel and hence increase the cost of flying. Henceforth, the coach that takes you from the terminal to the aircraft will proceed forth to cover part of the distance before you can board the aircraft. For instance, if you are flying in the Chennai-Mumbai sector, our coach will take you to Renigunta from where you will be taken to the nearest airport. Your flight to Mumbai will be waiting for you there.

* For all passengers who avail of deals and discounts by booking their tickets through travel sites, we have withdrawn the safety instructions demonstration by our cabin crew as a cost-cutting measure. You are henceforth requested to download the safety instructions document from our website and read the same while you wait for the aircraft.

* To add to your convenience, our in-flight shopping will now be selling monthly provisions, besides snacks and soft drinks. It is mandatory for all passengers who have booked their tickets through ‘Take my trip’ to buy their monthly provisions whenever they fly us.

* To reduce the price of tickets further, plans are on to remove air-conditioning from all aircraft. Passengers will be permitted to open the windows after take-off. To facilitate this, all flights will fly slower. However, passengers are requested to keep their seatbelts on to avoid freefall and zero gravity experiences.

* All flights with a flight duration of 90 minutes or less will now have standees inside the aircraft – tickets for the same will be sold at 50% of the cost of regular tickets. In case of standee tickets being booked online, please mention favourite standing position, choice of leaning on a seat/ another passenger and preference of standing to the left/right of the aircraft.

* Since oxygen is available at a premium 30,000 feet above sea level, only a limited supply of oxygen will be made available inside the aircraft. Passengers are requested to breathe slowly and hold their breath for as long as possible.

* In case of an emergency, oxygen masks will not be available for the same reason mentioned above. Instead, passengers can open the windows and breathe all the air they want.

Happy flying.

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 20 May, 2007)