Choosing the 15

Image courtesy: www.cricinfo.com

What could be tougher than choosing 15 players? Choosing 15 rules, says L Suresh.

January 17, 2011. Chennai. The selection committee, its Chairman and a few BCCI officials - vice presidents, secretaries, the joint secretary, treasurer, lackeys, spokespersons, zonal representatives and the like – comprised the 20-member committee that would shortly select 15 members for the Indian cricket team, to play in the World Cup. All of them had their agenda on a sheet of paper, neatly typed and filed in a plastic folder on the table before them. 15 of them would get a chance to choose one player each. Of the remaining five, three were to choose the menu for the day. The other two would get to pick the airline in which they would all head back to their respective cities.

But these choices were secondary. They had a more important task ahead of them – they had to pick 15 rules that the BCCI would then shove down the throat of the ICC.

“15 rules? Why do we have to do that?” asked a selector. “Aren’t we here to select 15 players for our team?”

“That’s right, but we have also been asked to choose 15 rules that will make the World Cup very India-friendly,” responded an official.

“But I thought the objective was to make India friendly for fans from the world over,” began another selector.

“The tourism department will take care of that. Our job is to ensure that our players find the World Cup friendly,” replied the official.

“But why?”

“Look, Sachin has made it clear that he will not retire without winning a World Cup. The next World Cup will be held in Australia and you can bet your last IPL dollar that they will ensure fast, bouncy tracks – you know how our boys fare on such surfaces… He will be 42 then. The World Cup in 2019 will be played in England and God knows if we will have the team to handle the swing like Kapil and his boys did. He will be 46 then. If we still don’t get to win the World Cup, he will look forward to the 2023 World Cup when he will be 50 – by then his son Arjun will be in the team and we will…”

“Ok, we get the message. So what now?”

“We have to win the 2011 World Cup – at all costs.”

The operative word was ‘costs’. Every member at the table was all ears. The official continued. “So what are the rules that will help us win the World Cup?”

One of the vice presidents piped up. “But will the other countries – and specially the ICC – agree if we change the rules for this world cup?”

The official remained unruffled. “Why not? We changed the rules of the IPL at will. We created auctions for players to be sold instead of being selected. We ensured that teams would be owned by companies instead of being sponsored by them. We stopped play for ads and called them strategy breaks. We brought in the ropes and had shorter boundaries. Nobody questioned us then. Why should they do so now? Besides, all of us know that the BCCI is not part of the ICC – on the contrary, the ICC is part of the BCCI, though in a reversed sequence. So they will not ask questions. And,” he gave a Godfather-like pause, “neither should you.”

There was silence in the room.

“We’ll have your suggestions now.” And each member gave his suggestion which was, in turn, converted into a rule.

Rule 1: Each match would feature two pitches so that India can bat on a flat wicket and bowl on a dusty one. (If the World Cup in ’92 could have two balls per team, why not two pitches?)

Rule 2: Bouncers will only be allowed at post-match parties and will not be a part of the match. (If cheergirls have no place in cricket, shouldn’t bouncers be banned too?) So fast bowlers who bowl bouncers will not feature in any further matches and will have to restrict their presence to performing at the parties.

Rule 3: Any ball above the waist will be a no-ball. To determine this, the waist of the shortest member of the Indian team will be taken into account, preferably Sachin or Raina.

Rule 4: Allrounders – especially fast bowling allrounders - will not be allowed in any match (since we don’t have one). However, they can make their money by sitting in the studios with Kapil Paaji and commenting on the day’s play.

Rule 5: Since the average speed allowed in most roads in India is only 40 kmph, similar speed limits will be exercised in cricket matches to ensure that the game isn’t a bad influence on the younger generation. However, the only exception to this rule would be during the powerplays when the bowlers can operate at speeds of 60kmph.

Rule 6: With the IPL beginning just days after the World Cup, Indian players will play all their matches – including the final – before March 15 so that they have enough rest before the IPL begins.

Rule 7: Any player who has been signed up for more than a million in the IPL will be allowed to name a substitute player who can take his place in the match whenever he feels the need for it.

Rule 8: Instead of UDRS, all the referrals will be done by the public through sms contests. So, if a majority of the Indian public feel that Sachin is not out – he will be declared not out. But this facility will be available only in India, so fans of other teams will not be able to participate.

Rule 9: Slide stops will be banned while fielding. All teams will instruct their fielders to run after the ball and stop it if they can, Indian style.

Rule 10: Considering the fact that Sholay was released in the same year as the first World Cup in 1975, the coincidence will be celebrated with Dhoni being honoured with the Sholay coin (with heads on both sides) that he can use for the toss. Besides, it’s only the Indian team that has both Viru (Sehwag) and Jai (Jaidev Unadkat, who unfortunately will not play the World Cup) – so they qualify on both counts.

Rule 11: If India are dismissed in 20 overs (or thereabouts), the game will automatically be recalibrated into a Twenty20 game so that the other team does not have an undue advantage.

Rule 12: India is a country of 1.2 billion people while Netherlands on the other hand, has a population of just around 16.5 million. So, having the same number of players per team is not fair. While the game will be played as per rules with one bowler and a batsman at either end, the number of fielders allowed on the field will be proportionate to the population of the country that the team hails from.

Rule 13: In case of rain, every member of the Indian team will be allotted flood relief measures of 25 runs and 2 wickets which he can use in any future match, at his discretion.

Rule 14: As a precautionary marketing clause, any Indian batsman whose ad appears before an over cannot be dismissed or given out during that over as the brand will suffer from his poor performance.

Rule 15: As the Indian team is being forced to play all its matches (barring one) on weekends because of TRP demands, the results of these matches should go in favour of the home team for its sportive gesture, as the rest of the country would be putting its feet up and watching TV.