(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)L Suresh profiles a unique club where a blood sample and a positive test is all it takes to make it big.
What’s common to Petr Korda, Greg Rusedski, Christophe Dugarry, Latasha Jenkins, Linford Christie, Merlene Ottey, Mark Richardson and Dougie Walker? Nandrolone – an anabolic steroid that aids recovery from injury and increases muscle size. The smarter ones got away of course, (Rusedski for instance blamed it on contaminated supplements that might have done him in) but the rest ended up like the drugs they took – celebrated but useless – and began to be referred to as dopes.
Cricket too has had its share of dopes who have tried the strangest things, like coloured clothing, aluminum bats, power plays and super subs. In course of time, their acts came to be known as doping. These include trying out a diuretic with the hope of looking better for a press interview, being hauled up for nandrolone and trying to get away by faking a case of asthma, and celebrating wins or beating boredom by bringing together the three Cs - cricket, cocaine and cannabis.
Since dopes never learn from other’s mistakes and continue to get caught somewhere between Sample A and Sample B, here’s some help for cricketers who never manage to beat the microscope - the Dope Test for Dummies, a self-help guide that provides them with ten ways to prove their innocence or at least escape punishment after they are caught.
Beefing it up
Attribute the high levels of nandrolone to a diet of beef or similar food items rich in protein. Well, bobsleigh racer Lenny Paul got away with it. He tested positive for nandrolone and attributed it to a dish he ate that contained beef from cattle that had been fed steroids – he was cleared of the charge. (The very fact that he could think up such creative explanations should have raised suspicion, but then, the sporting body didn’t think of that.) Hear your legal counsel go to town with “a particular combination of food items that could have induced the production of the banned substance and cause it to exceed the acceptable level” – and you know it’s time for you to go home.
Caught smoking bowled asthma
If you’re ever caught smoking or snorting, blame it on asthma – as Shoaib has. (People will be left wondering if the wheezes were mistaken for deep drags or vice versa.) And if you are Shane Warne, you could even attribute it to a ‘looking good, feeling great’ drug, Moduretic, prescribed by Mommy that would dehydrate you, take inches off your waistline overnight and keep you in great shape - for a press conference. If the cricketing world could buy the one-tablet-to-help-you improve-your-appearance reason, they sure will believe you when you claim that all your inhalations were of the ayurvedic kind.
The red herring prospects
You can take a ‘quick recovery’ drug and then mask its telltale effects by another drug specially designed to negate the presence of the banned substances in the blood. And as they say, the proof of the phenethylamine is in the eating, but you don’t have to look beyond our stars for this. While it was never proved, it was strongly rumoured that the diuretic taken by Shane Warne was to mask the effects of steroids – administered for a dislocated shoulder to heal quickly. Needless to say, he bounced back from injury in less than a month and thereby raised questions, eyebrows and his wickets tally. Paul Smith, Warwickshire’s allrounder was another case in point who openly admitted to have taken ‘blockers’ to conceal the effects of the drugs he took regularly.
Ignorance is bliss
You could claim insufficient knowledge of a) medicine b) English c) what drugs do because you have never taken them d) all of the above. If Inzi could have communication problems with his coach, manager and umpire during the Lords Test, lesser mortals could surely use that as an excuse. Besides, the educational DVD meant to be released by the FICA (Federation of International Players’ Associations) and the ICC has been delayed and since it is unlikely that you can even manage a pirated print, you can use that to defend yourself. It sure must be an irritating feeling to fail in all your tests at school, switch to cricket and then start getting positive results in your tests, but as they say, such is life.
Docs of war
You can attribute this fiasco to a clash between doctors – ‘yours, mine and ours’. Shoaib, in his typical maverick mode, chose to consult his personal doctor, despite the Board providing him with one. As is the norm, no two doctors can concur on the diagnosis and the medication given, so the surgical knives will be out for a while. With Dr. Tauseef Razzak being Shoaib’s personal doctor and trainer, and with Dr. Waqar Ahmed being on the tribunal, it will be a case of ‘my needle is sharper than yours’ as they take jabs at each other. While Dr. Razzak has been asked to furnish details of all the drugs that Shoaib has been prescribed over the year, he has deftly ducked under the bouncer, claiming that the nandrolone could have figured in some herbal medicine that the bowler was taking.
The psychedelic colours of racism
Since Asians are the targets for most fines, censures and bans, you can play the racism card successfully. While players from other countries are ‘sent home’, ‘banned’ and ‘disgraced’, a white player can ‘volunteer to leave the team’. While the minimum ban for a cricketer found guilty of taking drugs is two years, it is mysteriously reduced to 12 months in the case of Warne. While he continued to be a hero even after the ban, Shoaib and Asif have been pronounced guilty even before Sample B has been tested. Arjuna Ranatunga, Sri Lanka’s ex-captain, always felt that things would have been very different "if Warne was an Asian”. So dump your lawyer and make a beeline for Mr. Ranatunga’s residence.
Cannabis or wanna-be
Categories like stimulants, corticosteroids, narcotic analgesics, anabolic agents, diuretics, beta blockers and cognitive enhancers. Star drugs like restondione, ritalin, nandrolone, modafinil and moduretic. It’s not surprising that even adrenalin has begun to sound like a drug. If there are so many banned products, how can you know them all? To add to the confusion, there’s a whole new book of jargon thrown at the players - PED (performance enhancing drugs), WADA (world anti doping agency), TUE (Therapeutic Use Exemption), ADP (Anti-Doping Policy). One really can’t blame you for thinking that bulk drugs referred to drugs that were meant to bulk up. At the end of it all, you can leave the officials with their heads spinning – and insinuate an overdose of you-know-what.
Divide and (over)rule
Every camp has its infighting. Every Board has its share of confusion. So the most convenient thing to do is to cry foul and stir up a heady concoction of a controversy, a tale of vendetta and a frame-and-fix saga that involves the Board, its chairman, the selectors - and a few ex-cricketers if possible. And raise pertinent questions whenever you can. For instance, if Shaharyar Khan suspected that Shoaib was into drugs, why did he not take action earlier? If Bob Woolmer had initiated this test, did someone use his shoulder to aim and fire?
The blame game is also an interesting device. Check this out - Javed Miandad blames the PCB for not enforcing discipline amongst players. Tauseef Razzak, Akthar’s doctor claims Shoaib’s drink could have been spiked with a banned steroid. Imran Khan says that the PCB should have done the tests before announcing the squad. Rameez Raja urges the PCB to impose stern penalties on Shoaib and Asif, but Inzamam-ul-Haq expects the duo to be cleared of doping charges. Meanwhile, Shaharyar Khan claims that Akthar always had issues with appearing for tests. With this kind of action, you can be sure that the end of the tunnel will never be reached, even years after you retire.
High on fun
It’s not your fault that cricket is laden with innuendos that reek of drugs. If you’re batting second, you’re chasing. If the ball kicks in at an awkward height, it’s a snorter. If a match is pre-decided by the bookies, it’s a fix. And the problem with over-the-hill cricketers who become officials is that they just don’t get it. Besides, so many cricketers (non-Asians, of course) have gotten away with it lightly. Dermott Reeve, Phil Tufnell, David Murray, Ian Botham, Stephen Fleming, Dion Nash, Matthew Hart, Roger Telemachus, Andre Nel, Paul Adams, Justin Kemp, Herschelle Gibbs – so why can’t you?
Why be the first?
If you are a Pakistani, this could be your biggest crib. (Just because we were the first to get into ball tampering and match fixing, why should we take the lead in dope tests as well?) Apparently, while random testing during a series is on, but pre-tournament screening is not. And drug tests were going to be administered only on two players from each side. So why did the PCB have to jump the gun and nominate two fall guys from their side even before the matches started? (Did they think they were nominating candidates for ICC’s annual awards?)
Besides, look at India. The BCCI obviously felt that there was hardly any time to test the players – not that they showed any signs of playing under the effects of drugs, considering the way they performed in the DLF Cup. Why can’t we follow them?
And for those who have managed to get away using one of these defenses, there’s another elite club dying to offer you membership – the Nandroloners Anonymous, where you can share your experiences on how celebrities first become loners after they test positive and finally end up becoming completely anonymous.
What’s common to Petr Korda, Greg Rusedski, Christophe Dugarry, Latasha Jenkins, Linford Christie, Merlene Ottey, Mark Richardson and Dougie Walker? Nandrolone – an anabolic steroid that aids recovery from injury and increases muscle size. The smarter ones got away of course, (Rusedski for instance blamed it on contaminated supplements that might have done him in) but the rest ended up like the drugs they took – celebrated but useless – and began to be referred to as dopes.
Cricket too has had its share of dopes who have tried the strangest things, like coloured clothing, aluminum bats, power plays and super subs. In course of time, their acts came to be known as doping. These include trying out a diuretic with the hope of looking better for a press interview, being hauled up for nandrolone and trying to get away by faking a case of asthma, and celebrating wins or beating boredom by bringing together the three Cs - cricket, cocaine and cannabis.
Since dopes never learn from other’s mistakes and continue to get caught somewhere between Sample A and Sample B, here’s some help for cricketers who never manage to beat the microscope - the Dope Test for Dummies, a self-help guide that provides them with ten ways to prove their innocence or at least escape punishment after they are caught.
Beefing it up
Attribute the high levels of nandrolone to a diet of beef or similar food items rich in protein. Well, bobsleigh racer Lenny Paul got away with it. He tested positive for nandrolone and attributed it to a dish he ate that contained beef from cattle that had been fed steroids – he was cleared of the charge. (The very fact that he could think up such creative explanations should have raised suspicion, but then, the sporting body didn’t think of that.) Hear your legal counsel go to town with “a particular combination of food items that could have induced the production of the banned substance and cause it to exceed the acceptable level” – and you know it’s time for you to go home.
Caught smoking bowled asthma
If you’re ever caught smoking or snorting, blame it on asthma – as Shoaib has. (People will be left wondering if the wheezes were mistaken for deep drags or vice versa.) And if you are Shane Warne, you could even attribute it to a ‘looking good, feeling great’ drug, Moduretic, prescribed by Mommy that would dehydrate you, take inches off your waistline overnight and keep you in great shape - for a press conference. If the cricketing world could buy the one-tablet-to-help-you improve-your-appearance reason, they sure will believe you when you claim that all your inhalations were of the ayurvedic kind.
The red herring prospects
You can take a ‘quick recovery’ drug and then mask its telltale effects by another drug specially designed to negate the presence of the banned substances in the blood. And as they say, the proof of the phenethylamine is in the eating, but you don’t have to look beyond our stars for this. While it was never proved, it was strongly rumoured that the diuretic taken by Shane Warne was to mask the effects of steroids – administered for a dislocated shoulder to heal quickly. Needless to say, he bounced back from injury in less than a month and thereby raised questions, eyebrows and his wickets tally. Paul Smith, Warwickshire’s allrounder was another case in point who openly admitted to have taken ‘blockers’ to conceal the effects of the drugs he took regularly.
Ignorance is bliss
You could claim insufficient knowledge of a) medicine b) English c) what drugs do because you have never taken them d) all of the above. If Inzi could have communication problems with his coach, manager and umpire during the Lords Test, lesser mortals could surely use that as an excuse. Besides, the educational DVD meant to be released by the FICA (Federation of International Players’ Associations) and the ICC has been delayed and since it is unlikely that you can even manage a pirated print, you can use that to defend yourself. It sure must be an irritating feeling to fail in all your tests at school, switch to cricket and then start getting positive results in your tests, but as they say, such is life.
Docs of war
You can attribute this fiasco to a clash between doctors – ‘yours, mine and ours’. Shoaib, in his typical maverick mode, chose to consult his personal doctor, despite the Board providing him with one. As is the norm, no two doctors can concur on the diagnosis and the medication given, so the surgical knives will be out for a while. With Dr. Tauseef Razzak being Shoaib’s personal doctor and trainer, and with Dr. Waqar Ahmed being on the tribunal, it will be a case of ‘my needle is sharper than yours’ as they take jabs at each other. While Dr. Razzak has been asked to furnish details of all the drugs that Shoaib has been prescribed over the year, he has deftly ducked under the bouncer, claiming that the nandrolone could have figured in some herbal medicine that the bowler was taking.
The psychedelic colours of racism
Since Asians are the targets for most fines, censures and bans, you can play the racism card successfully. While players from other countries are ‘sent home’, ‘banned’ and ‘disgraced’, a white player can ‘volunteer to leave the team’. While the minimum ban for a cricketer found guilty of taking drugs is two years, it is mysteriously reduced to 12 months in the case of Warne. While he continued to be a hero even after the ban, Shoaib and Asif have been pronounced guilty even before Sample B has been tested. Arjuna Ranatunga, Sri Lanka’s ex-captain, always felt that things would have been very different "if Warne was an Asian”. So dump your lawyer and make a beeline for Mr. Ranatunga’s residence.
Cannabis or wanna-be
Categories like stimulants, corticosteroids, narcotic analgesics, anabolic agents, diuretics, beta blockers and cognitive enhancers. Star drugs like restondione, ritalin, nandrolone, modafinil and moduretic. It’s not surprising that even adrenalin has begun to sound like a drug. If there are so many banned products, how can you know them all? To add to the confusion, there’s a whole new book of jargon thrown at the players - PED (performance enhancing drugs), WADA (world anti doping agency), TUE (Therapeutic Use Exemption), ADP (Anti-Doping Policy). One really can’t blame you for thinking that bulk drugs referred to drugs that were meant to bulk up. At the end of it all, you can leave the officials with their heads spinning – and insinuate an overdose of you-know-what.
Divide and (over)rule
Every camp has its infighting. Every Board has its share of confusion. So the most convenient thing to do is to cry foul and stir up a heady concoction of a controversy, a tale of vendetta and a frame-and-fix saga that involves the Board, its chairman, the selectors - and a few ex-cricketers if possible. And raise pertinent questions whenever you can. For instance, if Shaharyar Khan suspected that Shoaib was into drugs, why did he not take action earlier? If Bob Woolmer had initiated this test, did someone use his shoulder to aim and fire?
The blame game is also an interesting device. Check this out - Javed Miandad blames the PCB for not enforcing discipline amongst players. Tauseef Razzak, Akthar’s doctor claims Shoaib’s drink could have been spiked with a banned steroid. Imran Khan says that the PCB should have done the tests before announcing the squad. Rameez Raja urges the PCB to impose stern penalties on Shoaib and Asif, but Inzamam-ul-Haq expects the duo to be cleared of doping charges. Meanwhile, Shaharyar Khan claims that Akthar always had issues with appearing for tests. With this kind of action, you can be sure that the end of the tunnel will never be reached, even years after you retire.
High on fun
It’s not your fault that cricket is laden with innuendos that reek of drugs. If you’re batting second, you’re chasing. If the ball kicks in at an awkward height, it’s a snorter. If a match is pre-decided by the bookies, it’s a fix. And the problem with over-the-hill cricketers who become officials is that they just don’t get it. Besides, so many cricketers (non-Asians, of course) have gotten away with it lightly. Dermott Reeve, Phil Tufnell, David Murray, Ian Botham, Stephen Fleming, Dion Nash, Matthew Hart, Roger Telemachus, Andre Nel, Paul Adams, Justin Kemp, Herschelle Gibbs – so why can’t you?
Why be the first?
If you are a Pakistani, this could be your biggest crib. (Just because we were the first to get into ball tampering and match fixing, why should we take the lead in dope tests as well?) Apparently, while random testing during a series is on, but pre-tournament screening is not. And drug tests were going to be administered only on two players from each side. So why did the PCB have to jump the gun and nominate two fall guys from their side even before the matches started? (Did they think they were nominating candidates for ICC’s annual awards?)
Besides, look at India. The BCCI obviously felt that there was hardly any time to test the players – not that they showed any signs of playing under the effects of drugs, considering the way they performed in the DLF Cup. Why can’t we follow them?
And for those who have managed to get away using one of these defenses, there’s another elite club dying to offer you membership – the Nandroloners Anonymous, where you can share your experiences on how celebrities first become loners after they test positive and finally end up becoming completely anonymous.
(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 29 October, 2006)
1 comment:
A compilation of the articles relating to cricket can be used to convert all those cricket-hating women to people with an opinion :D
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