The English Patients

(Image courtesy: New Indian Express)

How many Englishmen does it take to form a test team? L Suresh is still counting…

In the 70s, the chant that drove terror into the hearts of the Poms was “Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust. If Lillee don’t get you, Thommo must”. 30 years later, they are getting to hear the Indipop remix: “Offspin to legspin, heat to dust. If sunstroke don’t get you, dehydration must.” Even before a ball was bowled, Michael Vaughan, Marcus Trescothick, Kevin Pietersen, Paul Collingwood, Simon Jones, Shaun Udal and Liam Plunkett have all lined up at the sick bay. If this continues, the only way the English batsmen are likely to find themselves amongst the runs is with an overdose of prawn curry (as ex-captain Graham Gooch demonstrated in the 92-93 series, with 47 runs to his tally and many more to the men’s room.)

What this English team needs is the ultimate survival guide to handle Indian conditions. Here it is – the most common problems they are likely to face in India and how to overcome them.

One flu over the cuckoo’s nest

Well, chicken tikka masala may be your national dish, but right now, there’s enough going on to make the world go nuts over the birds. So too much indulgence could well make you a trailer to another Jack Nicholson flick – The Departed. Take care not to ruffle any feathers and while at it, make sure you read India’s leading management book, ‘Count your chickens before they catch … a flu’.

As the crow fries

Remember the queen who famously proclaimed, “If they don’t have chicken, let them eat crow” to those who were ravenously hungry? To this day, roadside stalls in India dish out birds of a different feather to those who can’t afford real chicken (and this humbling experience led to the phrase ‘eat crow’). So don’t get crabby or chicken out when it’s time to eat crow.

Fishing in troubled waters

There’s something about water that doesn’t go well with cricketers (perhaps to do with the fact that they don’t take to ducks the way ducks take to water). Ask the man who dislocated his shoulder after slipping in the bathroom while reaching for the shampoo and incurred another dislocated shoulder during a water polo game - Jayasuriya. Moral of the story - just stay away from water. With the Avian flu sounding suspiciously like a brand of mineral water, it’s wise not to take chances.

Deadlier than the mail

The first thing that Greg Chappell found out about India is that most pens and all e-mails leak. Your former mate Derek Pringle hurt his back while sitting down to write a letter. As for Vivek Razdan (one of our ex-cricketers), his hand got stuck inside a postbox and he broke a finger when trying to post a letter. So stay away from postboxes – they could find your digits ‘finger-lickin’ good’.

Hairy head thinks fuzzy logic

One can understand why they shave off pitches and allow the sun to bake them dry until they split wide open. But why would you guys want to do that to your heads? Remember Chris Lewis, the former Leicestershire all-rounder, who shaved his head during a West Indies tour and went down with sunstroke? And if you have to win by a hair’s breadth, who will you go to – Dhoni? So stop tearing your hair out, put on your thinking caps and if you are going to let the blade do the talking, let it be from your bat.

Get well soon!

(Appeared in the New Indian Express Sunday Supplement on 05 March, 2006)